


Of Monsters and Men

by KimboKah



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Horror
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2018-06-04 10:43:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 37,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6654850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KimboKah/pseuds/KimboKah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to <i>Killing Me Softly</i></p><p> </p><p>Struggling to find a bearable division between his tormented nightmares and his reality, Brian soon has to face that the monsters aren't coming from the outside to hurt him, but from within himself. Only when you've been found and brought to safety, do you realize how lost you truly are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1. A Shining Blade

_He picked up the knife, its shining and clean blade ready to be used. He turned it in the soft light that shone from the cabin’s window, a wicked grin spreading across his face as he listened to the muffled cries coming from the table. He stared at the dagger a little longer, his thin, long fingers testing its sharpness. He hissed softly, admiringly as a small cut appeared on his finger instantly. Then he turned around slowly, still grinning as his blue eyes searched out those of the distressed woman on the table. Her long, blond hair was tangled up in knots and her face was pale and dirty. She looked nothing like the beauty she had been before._

_He stepped closer to the bloodied table, his intense gaze never leaving the writhing woman. Without a word, he put the shining blade to her skin, applying just enough pressure to draw blood from the resulting cut just below the throat._

_“Please,” the woman begged breathlessly and he watched her chest heave with the combination of fear and pain. “Please, don’t-”_

_He just smiled and pushed a little harder down on the knife. The young woman screamed in pain and he stared mesmerized by the blood that ran down her breasts now, leaving a dark red trail over her body as it headed towards her sides and pooled on the table beside her._

_He laughed joyfully, and took the knife away from her skin, the smell of blood filling his nose. His laughing abruptly stopped as he turned around and saw the man looming over him, a murderous look on his face. The man stepped forward, causing the younger man to step back. Without a sound, the larger one lashed out, grabbing the smaller’s throat and crashing him down on the now empty table. The younger man gasped for breath and felt the world around him darkening._

_\------------------------_

When Brian woke up, he gasped for breath, his heart pounding in his chest and the blood rushing through his ears. He continued to gasp, unable to rid his mind of the terrifying images that roamed around in there. A disturbing urge to throw up was intensifying by the second and he cried out softly as he bounded to his feet, sprinting across the bedroom and making it just in time to the bathroom before his dinner made a reprise.

He was panting and shaking afterwards, the nightmare still fresh on his mind and the surroundings of his bathroom only just managing to get through to him. He heard the dog before he saw her, her tongue hanging out of her mouth as she watched him curiously, patiently lying down next to him as he continued to throw up. Bonnie didn’t seem bothered by the violent intensity of his retching, but kept a constant eye on him all the while, like she’d been trained to do.

“Brian?” Leighanne’s voice sounded uncertain and concerned and he groaned something unintelligible. He whimpered fearfully when she touched his back, but relented when she assured him she wasn’t going to hurt him.

“He’s okay, Bonnie,” Leighanne addressed the young Border Collie, “Off work.” The dog stretched and moved to sit next to them, watching calmly as Leighanne rubbed reassuring circled along her owner’s back. Brian leaned against his wife with an exhausted sigh, squeezing his eyes shut and willing the dark images that haunted his soul out of his mind. He felt his breathing slow down in time with Leighanne’s continuous calm strokes of his hair.

“That bad?” she whispered softly as he opened his eyes and stared up at her, not in the least ashamed that his head was in her lap like he was a little kid. He nodded slowly, taking a few moments before sitting up and leaning against the bathroom wall beside her.

She watched him apprehensively, a dozen questions on her mind, but not sure of how to ask them without upsetting him even more. He didn’t talk about the terrors he faced at night and she was more than a little curious, although another part of her scolded itself for any thought of forcing him to talk about it. Still, she couldn’t help but let some of her curiosity slip, “What happened, Brian?”

He shook his head and shrugged. “Nothing important,” he mumbled, “was just a dream.”

She nodded slowly, yet didn’t believe him as she noticed the way he was clearly avoiding her eyes. “You sure? You know you can talk to me, right?”

He gave her a humorless smile and in the second he looked at her she saw an unsettling arrangement of emotions there. It was almost like he was ashamed of something, like he felt guilty. “Brian? What happened in that dream?”

He scrambled upright and she felt her heart sink as he backed away from her and pushed himself against the shower wall, looking down at his bare feet, “you know, I don’t... I don’t...” he mumbled, his voice barely audible, “I can’t talk about that.”

Bonnie felt his distress and jumped upright, standing in front of him. She looked at Leighanne questioningly and Leighanne felt a stab of guilt, “I know,” she whispered, “I know baby, I’m so sorry, I didn’t... I’m sorry.”

He nodded silently, “Me too,” he mumbled.

“For what?” she wondered, slowly standing up.

“Waking you up. You shouldn’t have to go through this.”

“Oh honey,” she said, wanting nothing more than to pull him into a hug, but knowing that now that the initial shock of the nightmare was over, he wouldn’t appreciate being touched without his explicit consent, “neither should you; we were going to do this together, remember?”

“Still,” he said, scratching Bonnie behind her ears, “I would feel a lot better if you actually got some sleep at night There’s no need for the both of us to walk around like zombies during the day. And you have a job.”

“We’ve been over this,” she said patiently, “I’m not leaving you alone at night. What if you have a seizure?”

“I got Bonnie,” he smiled a little as the dog looked up at him expectantly. “That’s why we got her, right? Besides, I haven’t had a seizure in months.”

Leighanne sighed and turned around, “We’ll talk about this in the morning,” she muttered, walking into the bedroom. “Let’s try and get a bit more sleep.”

Brian’s shoulders slumped as he followed her. She was stubborn, he knew, but tonight’s nightmare had only been mild in comparison to some other nights. There were nights he lashed out at everything in his near surroundings, nights his fists connected with her or his dog. Nights he didn’t have any control over himself and his actions, and couldn’t be calmed down for hours. And Leighanne suffered because of it, he knew. She acted tough, but it was as hard on her as it was on him.

He stood still right in front of the bed, once again trying to blink the haunting images away from his dream. Watching his wife climb into the bed, he noticed her blond hair was tangled into knots.


	2. 2. A Lesson in Obedience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm well aware that this chapter is a rather light approach to a relatively dark story, but I still hope it works. I kind of really like writing in this perspective actually, it's oddly satisfying. :)

“Bonnie, come here!”

Bonnie bolted upright at the excitement in her owner’s voice, her feet scratching across the wooden floor and her legs flailing due to the lack of grip. She came to a sliding halt, connecting with her owner’s legs roughly, but sitting down immediately after, like nothing happened.

Brian looked at her thoughtfully, studying the brown and white Border collie with a fake scowl. Her blue eyes were watching him intently, ready for his next command and she was obviously unable to keep her tail still, sweeping it over the floor in anticipation. “We’re gonna need carpet floors if we want to stop these collisions from happening,” he muttered, retrieving the leash from behind his back, giving Bonnie clear sight on it. She barked once, her energetic excitement too much to keep quiet.

Bonnie kept her eyes on him, carefully searching for a sign that he would finally give in and put the leash on her so that they could finally go already. She had soon learnt that the man found it particularly funny to make her wait for things, only giving in when she was obeying him perfectly. She didn’t mind; she’d been trained well and knew he would relent eventually. She jumped when he finally clicked the leash onto her collar. She had to force herself to keep sitting down, waiting for his usual command.

“Alright Bonnie,” he said, “Work.”

And then Bonnie had a job.

They walked out of the door together, _walking,_ not sprinting. She’d learned at the training center she grew up in that humans were superior to dogs, and that they walked considerably slower than dogs. Nevertheless, they should be the first to leave the house; they should be the ones to walk in the front, not the dog. Bonnie didn’t mind in the least; she thrived at following his orders and doing her job right. His approval and happiness were what she lived for. When they reached the end of the driveway, she felt him hesitate and looked up. Normally, they’d go left into the big backyard, they’d run along the pond together and then he would pull out a ball from the pocket in his jacket and she would be off work for a glorious morning of catching ball with her owner.

But this time, Brian stood still for a remarkably long time. Bonnie sat down patiently, studying his body for any sign of trembling or fading consciousness altogether. But she didn’t smell the usual scents he gave off right before he would fall and shake. Nevertheless, she expected him to fall down and already readied herself to bark and get help if the thing happened. That was her job, and she was good at her job.

Instead, Brian slowly turned towards her, looked at her for a minute, then made his way across the street, and Bonnie hurried to follow him. She looked back at the backyard for a second, wondering why they didn’t just go in there, but was thrilled with the prospection of an entirely new adventure. She’d been living with Brian and his mate for quite some time, but had never been outside the gates and the thought of the world of new scents beyond her borders was making her limbs electric with excitement and giddiness. It was incredibly hard to ignore the urge to run in front of him and explore the area, but she knew that that would be really rude.

The neighborhood was quiet this early, but Bonnie could clearly smell other dogs and it made her even more excited. She didn’t usually see a lot of other dogs, other than Tyke of course. Tyke was mean though, and very bad behaved. She often found herself looking down on him, both literally and as a matter of speaking. He had no manners whatsoever and did not seem to get the concept of respecting the humans at all possible times. He just ran around the house and did whatever he pleased.

The uncivilized shrimp.

She suddenly felt a shiver run along her spine, and looked up at Brian, who had tensed considerably. She felt the fear that he always carried with him and which she usually tried to ignore, intensify as they watched the large man appear at the end of the street. He was far away, but was steadily walking towards them and Bonnie felt Brian shake next to her, his breathing speeding up as he grabbed the leash a little tighter. Bonnie let out a low, warning growl as the man approached. She didn’t know what made this man seem so threatening to Brian, but she knew more than enough to be on guard if he made Brian this scared. The man looked at her with a confused expression as he passed them, shrugging at her behavior. Brian let out an audible sigh and his grip on the leash loosened as his breathing returned to normal, watching the man walk away from them. Bonnie relaxed as well, but when she looked up at her owner, she was taken aback by the darkness in his eyes. She felt an unfamiliar fear rattle her bones and whimpered quietly.

“It’s okay, Bonnie,” Brian whispered shakily and the darkness was instantly gone from his eyes. Bonnie barked once to let him know that she was alright. It was silly to be afraid of her own human, of course and she demonstratively put her head up and adjusted her stance, showing Brian that she was ready for their next adventure.

Instead, Brian tugged on her leash and turned around, slowly walking back to the house. Bonnie followed him without question, suspecting they would go into the backyard instead after all. Humans were complicated like that, much more so than dogs, and it would be foolish of her to try and determine why her human did what he did. She felt the grass under her feet as they entered the gates once more. Brian bent down and undid her leash when they got to the pond in the middle of the backyard. “Off work,” he whispered and she jumped, panting as she waited for him to retrieve the ball from his pocket. After a few minutes of just walking, the waiting got too much and she tried to let him know that he was forgetting the ball by touching the pocket of his jacket with her nose.

He smiled down at her and she couldn’t deny the strange sadness she saw in his expression. “Not today, Bon,” he said softly.

She tilted her head; then hurried to follow him as he kept walking. When they reached the bench near the fountain, he sat down with a sigh and Bonnie tried to touch his pocket again. “I don’t want to play ball, Bonnie,” Brian told her, a little bit of agitation in his voice.

Bonnie, not able to understand his words, went on to lick his jacket. She could smell the ball in there very well and didn’t know why Brian didn’t just throw it, so that she could catch it. “Damnit Bonnie, get away from me.”

Bonnie dropped down instantly at the tone in his voice. Was she working again? She didn’t hear the command, but she knew she wasn’t supposed to play ball when she was working, so maybe that was what Brian meant. She lay down next to him, watching him closely as he stared at the ducks that were splashing about in the pond.

They stayed like that for two hours, Brian obviously lost in his thoughts as the dog kept her gaze firmly fixated on him. She’d seen him this immobile before, but it never failed to make her uncomfortable. Finally, Brian stood up, “Come on Bonnie,” he said, his voice soft and friendly now, “Let’s get back inside. I think it’s gonna rain soon.”

Bonnie stayed closely to his side as they walked back towards the house, she didn’t even pay attention to the fallen leaves crunching beneath her and Brian’s feet; a noise which she usually couldn’t stand. Brian opened the door for her and she went inside, the scents of coffee and bread filling her nose and mind. She saw Brian’s mate, Leighanne standing in the kitchen. The woman smiled when Bonnie trudged in, but pointed towards the door nevertheless. “Out of the kitchen, Bonnie,” she said calmly, yet sternly and Bonnie obeyed, sitting down on the floor just outside the borders of the kitchen. Her ears perked up when Brian finally entered and she watched him push his lips onto those of Leighanne’s. Bonnie figured that the ritual must be some sort of greeting, because the two mates did it rather often, like two dogs sniffing each other’s rears, she thought. Humans had strange customs and Bonnie had quickly gotten used to the curious ways in which they communicated with each other, although she still didn’t understand half of it.

“You were gone a long time,” the woman said, turning back to the counter and continuing to smear the butter over the sandwiches.

“We sat by the pond,” Brian replied, taking one of the sandwiches off the counter without Leighanne’s consent, which Bonnie found strange.

“I thought you were going to the dog park today?” Leighanne asked nonchalantly, not looking at Brian as she put a rather large slice of cheese on her bread, which made Bonnie’s mouth water.

Brian took a step backwards and Bonnie felt the uneasiness in him immediately, so much so that she tore her gaze off the sandwiches and focused on him instead. “We, uh... we got to the end of the street,” Brian said hesitatingly.

“Good,” his mate said with a smile, “I’m proud of you.”

Brian seemed surprised, “Really?”

“Yep,” she answered, turning to face Bonnie this time. “She off duty?”

Brian looked at her as well and Bonnie wagged her tail, watching him nod his head. “Yeah.”

Bonnie’s dearest expectations were fulfilled as Leighanne grabbed a hold of one of the remaining sandwiches and cut it in half before dropping one of the pieces on the ground in front of Bonnie. Bonnie jumped up, her tail wagging in the air as she ate the delicious treat in one bite. She had to eat quickly, because she could already smell Tyke approaching, who surely wouldn’t have hesitated to challenge her for food. But sure enough, Leighanne dropped the other half of the sandwich in front of the Chihuahua when he came barging into the kitchen, which Bonnie deemed rather unfair, since he hadn’t done any work to deserve such a divine treat.

The spoiled shrimp.

 With a sense of satisfaction, Bonnie watched Leighanne point to the door though, “Out of the kitchen, Tyke,” she commanded and the older dog tilted his head, but obeyed eventually. Bonnie made sure to give him a superior look, hoping beyond hope that the small dog would finally know its place and wouldn’t continue to pretend like he owned the place. It must be hard for him, Bonnie thought, to finally have to listen to his owners now that they had gotten an obedient dog for once and knew how to handle dogs better because of it. Because of Bonnie, Tyke now too had to behave and couldn’t do everything he pleased anymore.

The rest of the day was much like other days. Bonnie was off work for most of the time, which was normal when they were all inside the house and together. She lay in front of the couch, chewing on a rubber toy that squeaked once in a while if she bit it just right. Brian lay behind her on the couch, watching television.

“Bonnie, come here!” Bonnie looked up at the sound of Leighanne’s voice; then looked at Brian, who nodded at her. She sprung upright and scrambled across the floor before colliding against Leighanne’s legs.

“Oh!” Leighanne said, placing a hand on Bonnie’s head.

“She does that all the time,” Brian remarked from the couch, “I think we need carpet.”

Bonnie looked up at Leighanne expectantly. Usually when the woman called her over, she had a treat or a new toy for her and Bonnie had trouble hiding her excitement. Instead, Leighanne grabbed her collar and put on her leash and Bonnie promptly sat down, watching her curiously. She was Brian’s dog, and had never been out for a walk with his mate before. “You gonna help me put the trash bags outside, Bonnie?” She heard the question in Leighanne’s voice and wagged her tail, the delicious smells of the black bags behind Leighanne drifting through the hallway. The sky was already darkening outside. They walked silently along the driveway towards the gate before Leighanne put down the bags with a sigh. Then she knelt down in front of Bonnie and took the dog’s furry face in her hands.

“Thank you, Bonnie,” she whispered and Bonnie sensed a whole variation of emotions flowing through the woman that she couldn’t identify, “I know he wouldn’t have gotten to the end of the street without you. You make it a little easier. Thank you for looking out for him.”


	3. 3. A New Thing

 

It was a while before she moved, staring at the plastic object in her right hand, realization slowly dawning on her mind. She calmly put the test down with the other three she had carefully lined up on the edge of the bathtub. As she began to smile, images of a young boy running through the grass near the pond outside flooded her imagination and she gently touched her belly.

At least, she hoped it was a boy. She had been waiting so long, she had prayed and prayed and prayed and had begun to think there was something wrong with her and now it finally happened. Funny, she thought. While they had been trying real hard before with no luck, she could only recall them doing it once since Brian had been back. She bit her lip as she remembered the night a few months ago. Her husband had awoken in a panic, like he did most nights and she had done her best to calm him down. He’d been shaking and clinging to her and then, without a word, he was on top. His actions had been desperate and a little rough at times and it had resembled none of his careful and loving administrations that had been so typical to him before. She hadn’t been able to stop the tears afterwards, feeling used and neglected. But then, she’d heard him cry, heard him apologize over and over and when he looked at her, he looked so confused and broken that she wanted to take him into the bathroom and hide him away from the world forever.

She jumped a little when she heard the backdoor close and turned around, quickly heading out of the bathroom. Brian was standing in the kitchen, dripping wet as he shrugged off his jacket and Leighanne only now noticed it was raining outside like no tomorrow.

“We had to make a run for it,” he informed her, removing the leash from Bonnie’s collar. The dog carelessly shook the water out of her fur and the kitchen was suddenly covered with muddy rain. Brian scowled at her for a moment; then looked up at his wife. “Did they predict rain?”

She shook her head, raising her eyebrows as she watched a drop of water fall from his nose to the ground, “where did you guys go that you’ve gotten this wet?”

“Believe it or not, we actually made it to the dog park this time,” Brian said, a smile breaking through on his shiny wet face and she could detect a hint of pride in his eyes.

“Oh really?” she said, smiling back at him.

“You can ask Bonnie if you don’t believe me.”

Bonnie looked at them, unaware of the meaning of their conversation, but she wagged her tail at the mention of her name anyway.

“I’m pregnant,” Leighanne announced suddenly.

There was an immediate shift in the mood as Brian frowned at her. He actually frowned. Her Brian would have never frowned at the announcement of her pregnancy. He would have smiled, would have cheered even and he would have picked her up and swung her around. Carefully, of course, because he would have thought that now that she was pregnant, he had to be extra gentle. He would have kissed her passionately and told her he loved her and she would have been able to feel his happiness in every move he made. But that wasn’t the way this Brian reacted. She knew she needed to stop comparing her Brian with this Brian. This was her Brian after all. And the image she held of her Brian was slowly fading into an unsure memory. But yet, she couldn’t help but notice all the subtle and not so subtle differences between the two.

She stared at him as he struggled to fathom the news, apprehension slowly growing in her mind when the seconds quietly ticked by and he didn’t say a word.

“C-congratulations,” he finally spoke up and she noticed his voice was shaking.

_Congratulations?_

“I mean, I... I took four tests, so it’s gotta be for real,” She said slowly.

He nodded and she thought he looked trapped. She didn’t understand. Was this not what they had both wanted for so long? Of course, ever since the whole ordeal that happened ten months ago the desire for a baby had been burning a bit low, but she would have thought he’d be a bit more... happy?

Had he really changed too much for that?

She swallowed back her tears as she watched him turn around and walk away after two more minutes of awkward silence. She wondered if she should go after him. She wondered if she should become angry and yell at him for his lack of sensitivity. She wondered if he deserved that.

When she finally did find him, he was standing in the corner of the living room, his head low and completely unaware of her presence. She came up behind him, softly laying a hand on his shoulder. He tensed and gasped in shock and she immediately felt guilty.

“It’s okay,” she whispered.

“I’m sorry,” he replied, not turning around as he kept his gaze on the floor. “I know that that was not the reaction you were expecting.”

She thought about that for a moment, “If your actions are only based on what you think I expect them to be, then it would never be real and we’d only be fooling ourselves.”

He turned around this time, a sad smile appearing on his tear stained face, “When’d you become so wise?”

She shrugged and took his hand, “We can do this together, you know.” An unsettling feeling crept into her stomach as she noticed he averted his gaze. And then she knew. She didn’t know how she knew, but suddenly her intuition screamed at her in a panic. “You’re not staying,” she stated, instead of asking.

He finally looked up and she saw all the guilt and sorrow there and her heart broke. She shook her head and took a step back, disbelieving her own words.

“I can’t,” he whispered, his voice breaking.

“You can’t be serious,” she said, her own voice rising in pitch.

“I can’t stay here,” Brian answered slowly. “I’m no good to you, certainly not with a baby on the way.”

“So you’re just gonna leave me here to figure it all out on my own?” she said, her voice near yelling now.

“You don’t understand,” he said softly.

“You went to the dog park today, Brian!” she yelled.

“What does that have to do with it?”

“It means you’re progressing!”

“Oh wow! I made it all the way to the dog park and back. I’m all better! Call off the shrink!” his sarcasm was sudden and loud and for a fleeting second, she was actually terrified of him. His eyes were wild and his nostrils flaring and she’d never seen him like that. When he’d first been rescued, he’d been sick to death and when he finally woke up, the only thing she ever saw was the fear. But now...

He sighed, “I’m sorry. I just... I don’t know.”

She studied him closely. His anger had vanished instantly and she only saw the troubled man that looked so much older than the one she had married two years ago. “We do this together,” she said softly, taking his hand once more and guiding it to her belly, “There’s three of us now, you’re not going through it alone.”

“But I am, aren’t I?” his voice was sad, “In the end, there’s nothing you can do. It must be driving you crazy to have someone this damaged as your husband.”

“I couldn’t feel more blessed to still have you.”

He was silent for a second, her words slowly sinking in. Then he nodded and sighed, “What if I never go back to the guy you knew before?” he asked, anxiously watching her face for a response.

“That guy wasn’t that perfect,” she said.

“But still-”

“He was kind of a jerk, actually.”

“Well then,” he looked at her and she saw a relieved smile playing with his mouth, “good thing I don’t remember much about him, huh?”

She laughed as her Brian wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him, kissing her softly. “I love you,” he mumbled against her lips, then moved his head to look down at the hand he still held against her belly, “and you too.”

“We should think of a name for him,” Leighanne whispered.

“Him?”

“Definitely a boy.”

“That so?” Brian knelt in front of her and put his other hand on her stomach as well, “Hm, no, I’m gonna say girl.”

“Mothers are usually right on this, trust me,” Leighanne smiled.

“Alright then, let’s bring in a third party,” Brian said, turning around, “Bonnie, what is your final judgment?”

The dog barked at the excitement in her owner’s eyes and Brian turned to face his wife again, “See? Girl.”

“We’ll see about that,” she said, a bit of relief spilling into her voice, “and tomorrow, you’re going to go to the dog park again, and you’re gonna talk to people.”

“Did you follow me?” he asked, “how’d you know I didn’t talk to people?”

“I didn’t. But now I do,” she said.

“I love it when you get all authoritative on me,” he said, swaying them both back and forth slowly. “How will you know if I talk to people tomorrow?”

“I’ll ask Bonnie for a report.”

Brian scoffed, “She wouldn’t betray me, right Bonnie?”

The dog licked her lips and Leighanne studied her, “She would betray you for a sandwich.”

“Don’t listen to her Bonnie,” Brian sang and Leighanne relished in the sound. It had been so long since she’d heard him sing and she never realized how much she’d missed it until now. He continued a soft tune she didn’t instantly recognize while they kept swaying back and forth to the melody in his voice. A magical moment she would cherish all the while, even when he woke up screaming that night, drenched in sweat and yelling at her to get away from him. She would remember his voice in moments like that, and she would hold on to it, and they would get through it, together.


	4. A Wonderful Thing

“You’re late.”   
  
Nick looked up at the accusatory tone in his friend’s voice and shrugged, “You’re welcome.”  
  
Howie’s eyes narrowed and he took on the same posture Nick’s mother used to take on whenever she was pissed.   
  
It annoyed Nick even further to see Howie do it, “I had to lie to my girlfriend about what we were going to do today,” Howie grumbled.  
  
“Again?”  
  
“What? You little-”  
  
“Shut up!” AJ hissed, “It’s only by a miracle nobody knows we’re here yet.”  
  
When Kevin came out of the sound booth, he didn’t look particularly impressed. “So much work to do.”  
  
“Aren’t you glad the whole world is unaware?” AJ smirked, “We suck.”  
  
“Speak for yourself,” Nick growled.  
  
“Aww, honey, you know we do,” AJ kept smiling, “Been out of practice for too long, ‘s all.”  
  
“Yeah, sorry about that,” Brian’s voice was soft and he hadn’t spoken much since they got to the studio at all.   
  
He was more known to silently observe things nowadays before speaking up. AJ’s smirk fell instantly and he looked at the ground.  
  
“Sorry,” he mumbled.  
  
“Don’t be,” Brian replied before slowly rising from the couch. Without a word he disappeared into the sound booth.  
  
“Damnit,” AJ mumbled under his breath and Nick sighed.   
  
It had been over a year since the kidnapping; Brian had been home for four months, and still every encounter with the group was awkward. Nick sank unto the couch and stretched his long legs trying to avoid the dog’s gaze that seemed to be glaring at him. Nick had never really liked big dogs and while Bonnie wasn’t exactly large, she didn’t seem to be very fond of him. He’d tried everything to make friends with the white brown canine, but for some reason, she didn’t trust him.   
  
Which was particularly awkward considering her and Brian were always together. The dog yawned at him when he looked at her and then promptly walked away to watch her owner through the glass.   
  
“See,” Nick muttered, nodding at Bonnie, “told you she hates me.”  
  
Kevin raised his eyebrows, “You’re taking that relationship between the dog and you way too personal, dude. She’s a working dog and she has a job right now. She doesn’t hate you.”  
  
Nick nodded absently, watching Bonnie’s intent gaze on Brian, like the singer could drop at every single moment, which, Nick realized grimly once again, could actually be the case. He’d spent the past year being incredibly worried and the thought that Brian could just pass out from one moment to the next was actually quite terrifying. Still, his friend had ensured him that his meds were doing a great job and that he hadn’t had seizures in over four months. Bonnie was just a precaution, really. But Nick had trouble coming up with a way they could ever be just like they were again.   
  
People would now associate them with the kidnapping, instead of their music. How could they ever move on from that?  
  
By making a stellar album, Nick thought, returning AJs thumbs up after they had put on their headphones. Brian was nailing the song, just like he used to do; like nothing bad had ever happened.   
  
And that was just how it was supposed to be, decided Nick. They would just have to forget about everything and go on. They’d be stronger than ever before, he realized with a smile. Because honestly, Nick had had the feeling they were on the verge of breaking up right before the kidnapping. Everybody was always snapping at each other and Nick concluded more than once that the pressure of the spotlight was eventually going to destroy their friendship. But now, they hadn’t had a fight in months and everyone seemed focused on the same goal and the group just seemed to get along for the first time in years, really. It also helped that management was mostly leaving them alone and actually gave them time to get everything figured out, which, Nick presumed, was just what was needed. They’d make a comeback in their own time, on their own account.  
  
Lost in thought, Nick hadn’t realized that Brian’s voice had silenced, and now only the soft piano melody was playing through the headphones. He frowned when he heard Bonnie bark and saw AJ rising from the couch in an instant. Nick turned around and watched Brian standing there with a kind of dazed expression on his face, unmoving. Bonnie barked again, nervously pacing the floor, obviously irritated that she couldn’t go into the sound booth to do her job. Nick only realized what was happening when AJ threw open the door and grabbed a hold of Brian, who was still absently staring off into the distance with an unfocused gaze. Nick jumped from his seat, fear suddenly making his heart hammer and he vaguely noticed Howie and Kevin getting up in the other room as well.   
  
“Stay back,” AJ grunted, not letting go of Brian, who was still unresponsively staring a hole into the wall.   
  
Bonnie was already by his side and Nick was amazed at the trained routine with which the dog began to move everything in the recording room out of the way, looking back every now and then to inspect her owner’s condition. AJ started to gently but sternly guide Brian to the floor, all the while speaking in a calm, even voice. Nick didn’t want to watch, but couldn’t tear his eyes away at the same time. He’d seen four of Brian’s seizures, and still felt just as helpless as he did the first time. There was nothing you could do really, apart from watching it happen and making sure he didn’t get hurt. There was nothing you could do to stop it and Nick bit his lip as he saw his friend stiffen and his eyes drifting. Brian sagged against AJ, who caught him easily and lay him down on the floor, catching the pillow from the couch that Howie threw him in a flash of good thinking. AJ stepped back, not tearing his eyes off Brian, who was now completely tensed up, his body shaking and his eyes rolling upwards. Bonnie had stopped roaming around the room to check for things that could be in the way and now stood as still as AJ, panting slightly and watching closely. It took about thirty seconds before Brian arched his back and began to convulse violently. With every movement, Nick felt stabs of fear and worry flashing through his gut, worsened by Brian’s helpless grunts of distress. After what seemed like hours, but was only two minutes, the convulsions lessened in intensity and eventually stopped. Brian lay motionless on the floor, completely drained of all energy. Bonnie whined softly and inched closer to her owner, lying down next to him protectively. AJ shot Nick a weary glance as he too got closer to Brian.   
  
Cautiously, Nick knelt beside his friend. He’d learnt the hard way that after a seizure, Brian usually ended up groggy and disoriented, and Nick had figured that a groggy and disoriented Brian was a pretty dangerous one. And although the last seizure had been well over four months ago, Nick still remembered Brian’s swift nails as they’d mercilessly latched themselves into his cheek. It had hurt, but the look of pure fear and anger on Brian’s face had hurt so much worse. And Nick did not want to repeat that process. That’s why he didn’t touch his friend, just patiently waited for him to open his eyes. Bonnie watched Nick intently, ready to grumble at him whenever he’d make a wrong move.   
  
“He’s alright,” AJ mumbled after a quick inspection. “I think he bit his tongue or something though,” he said, pointing to the small trickle of blood from the corner of Brian’s mouth.   
  
“Damn it Brian,” Nick muttered.  
  
“Coulda been worse though,” AJ replied, turning around, “good thinking with the pillow, Howard,” he called to Howie, who was still standing in the doorway, next to a nervous looking Kevin. Howie nodded solemnly and Nick caught the sadness in his eyes.   
  
“I’ll call Johnny,” Howie said and left the recording room.  
  
“You got him?” AJ looked at Nick questioningly as he slowly got up. Nick nodded and watched AJ leave as well. He knew it was best to have as few people around as possible when Brian woke up. It took about ten minutes before his friend opened his eyes and when he did, he was absolutely exhausted and barely responsive.   
  
“It’s alright,” Nick said quietly as Bonnie began to lick Brian’s hand. “You did a good job, Bonnie. Good dog.”  
  
Bonnie stopped and stared at him for a few seconds, her head cocked to the side, and then returned to her task. Brian blinked at his dog a couple of times and then his gaze slowly drifted towards Nick.   
  
“Hey buddy,” Nick tried to smile, “Can you hear me?”  
  
After what seemed like too long, Brian nodded tiredly, his eyes anxiously scanning the small room. He remained unmoving, but Nick could see the tension building.  
  
“Do you know where you are?” he asked quickly, knowing it was one of the routine questions.  
  
Brian looked at him, his eyes still unfocused and glazed over, and shook his head weakly. Nick swallowed thickly, feeling tears stinging behind his eyes and wiped angrily at them. “It’s okay. Was just a seizure, Bri. It’s alright.”  
  
The fear didn’t leave Brian’s eyes, “Thommy?” He slurred.  
  
Nick sighed, closing his eyes and shaking his head slightly, “No man, it’s me. It’s Nick.”  
  
Brian’s gaze drifted away from him, confused and dazed, “You’re alive? How?”  
  
Clenching his jaw and trying to swallow the tears in his throat, Nick answered, “It doesn’t matter now. It’s all behind us. Can you sit up?”  
  
Brian nodded slowly before propping himself up against the wall, leaning his head back in exhaustion. “You look like him a little,” he mumbled, his voice still slurring.  
  
“I know,” Nick replied, carefully taking his place beside Brian. He was glad that his friend’s fear hadn’t turned into violence. That was a win in his book. He felt awkward though. Brian never talked about Thomas Fenn. He didn’t talk about that time, period. And Nick was fine with that, they didn’t have to bring back all those horrible memories. Why couldn’t everything just stay buried?  
  
“I’m tired,” Brian muttered, slumping slightly against the wall.   
  
Nick nodded, knowing the seizures took everything out of Brian, “When's the last time you had a decent night's sleep?” he asked, wondering if the seizure could have been triggered by exhaustion.  
  
Brian shrugged slightly, "Been a while."   
  
"It's okay, I'll take you home."


	5. A Shaky Terror

Bonnie kept a watchful eye on Nick from the backseat of the unfamiliar car. She didn’t particularly like him. Sure, he was nice enough and he hadn’t really done anything to hurt her or Brian, but there was something about him. A darkness that she could sense in Brian as well sometimes. Maybe Nick had something to do with it. Maybe Nick was the cause of it? Bonnie snorted, frustrated as she couldn’t figure it out. It wasn’t something a dog was supposed to figure out, she presumed and with a sigh, she lay down on the backseat.

Today had not been a very good day, she thought. Brian had had the shaking thing and that in and of itself wasn’t so bad, but Bonnie hadn’t been able to get to him right away like she had been trained to do. Why he had locked himself into that room, Bonnie didn’t know, but she’d felt very frustrated when she could sense he was about to fall and she couldn’t get in. That was stupid. She was on job. She should be with him at all times.

Humans were not the smartest beings on the earth.

The car was silent, except for the music that was softly playing from the radio. Brian was asleep and Nick was driving, humming to the tunes of the music every now and then. Bonnie yawned, feeling tired as well, but Brian hadn’t told her she was off work before he went to sleep, so Bonnie stayed alert. The car ride was long and Bonnie believed she must have dozed off accidentally after all because before she knew it, they were back home. She jumped out of the car and stretched; her muscles stiff and protesting. She watched Nick help Brian out of the car, whose nap didn’t seem to have replenished his energy at all. Brian’s movements were slow and unsteady and Bonnie made sure to stay directly beside him. She would do her job perfectly if he fell this time. But he didn’t fall. They made their way over to the house and a flash of relief seemed to pass over both Nick’s and Brian’s face as they reached the door.

“You be okay?” Nick asked worriedly.

Brian nodded slowly, “Yeah, thanks.”

“Alright,” Nick muttered, “See you Monday.”

They went inside and Bonnie noticed the fresh smell of potato salad. She loved potatoes and impatiently waited until Brian would give her permission to be off work and go into the kitchen to inspect the potato smell. Brian didn’t say anything though and she followed him into the living room, where he flopped down on the couch and gave a tired sigh. She nudged his leg questioningly and he smiled sadly at her.

“I saw him, Bon,” he whispered and Bonnie saw the now familiar darkness in his expression. She sat down and put her head on his knee. He scratched her ears, staring at the wall, “He was right there the whole time.”

Bonnie looked up at him, unsettled by his tone of voice. She could feel the sadness dripping off of him and she didn’t know how to make it go away. She was his dog, for crying out loud; she should be able to make him feel better. Wasn’t that what dogs were for? She whined softly and he lay his hand on her head, “It’s okay, Bon. He’s gone now. You wouldn’t tell anybody, would you? You’re a good dog. You’re off work.”

Bonnie felt a bit better when she heard she was a good dog. She wanted to stay with Brian, but the potato smell was begging for her to come closer; and technically, she was off work now. She stood up and left the room, sneaking into the kitchen quietly. Brian’s mate wasn’t there and Bonnie relished the scent of the salad. It was poised in the middle of the counter and although Bonnie knew she mustn’t touch it in any circumstance, that didn’t mean she couldn’t enjoy the smell. Her mouth was watering and she was startled when Leighanne suddenly entered the kitchen.

“Bonnie,” she grumbled, “You know the deal.” She pointed to the door and Bonnie sighed as she trudged out of the kitchen. Leighanne watched her for a second, then frowned.

“Wait, if you’re here-” she said, before hurrying out of the kitchen. Bonnie, fueled by the excitement, went after her into the living room.

“You’re home?” Leighanne sounded incredulous. Brian looked up in shock, a bit of relief on his face when he saw it was just his wife.

“I think so,” he mumbled.

“I thought you guys would be in the studio until five?”

“Yeah, about that,” Brian returned his gaze to the wall and sighed. “There may have been a little bit of seizure involved.”

Leighanne’s face softened before creasing in worry. “Oh honey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, feel a lot better now. Just tired.”

“You should have called me,” her tone was just a little bit accusatory.

“And then what?” Brian mumbled, “Nick brought me home. I think he was freaking out though.”

Leighanne sighed and her shoulders slumped as she sat down next to her mate. Bonnie could tell that she was now sad too and it made her nervous. Was there something happening? Were they in danger? She whined softly, but they didn’t look at her. Frustrated, Bonnie began to walk around the table, listening intently on any intruders that might sneak in. “She still has to go outside,” Brian remarked wearily.

“I’ll walk her,” Leighanne offered, then paused, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Brian looked at her for a moment before nodding, “Yeah, I’m... it’s just. What if it happened on stage, you know? I can’t stop thinking about that.”

His mate nodded, “Understandable, but just try and get some sleep,” she said as she stood up and stretched. “Come on, Bonnie, let’s go.”

Bonnie looked at her before jumping up and then shot Brian a weary look. He gave her a tired smile and she cocked her head to the side. Something was bothering him, but she couldn’t figure it out. It was kind of frightening her. Then Leighanne rattled the leash and Bonnie felt the excitement return. She and Leighanne had gone out quite often lately, and Bonnie had started to really like her. She was nice and she always threw the ball; something which Brian did not seem to enjoy as much anymore. Also, Bonnie could always be off work when she was with Leighanne, which meant she could actually mind her own business instead of constantly watching her owner. Leighanne also liked to talk a lot during their walks, something Bonnie loved.

But Leighanne didn’t say a whole lot during the walk down the driveway. She seemed lost in her thoughts, barely paying Bonnie any attention and the brown border collie felt tense with frustration. What was going on today?

“What are we gonna do with him, Bon?” Leighanne sighed as they came to the end of the street. Bonnie knew there was a little field of grass to the left. She could already smell the grass, actually. She tugged on the leash, eager to explore, but Leighanne pulled her back. “Not so rough, Bonnie, for crying out loud.”

Bonnie looked up, confused by the angry tone in the woman’s voice. Leighanne’s features softened somewhat as she knelt down, “Sorry, Bonnie. I just... I just wish he’d talk to me, you know?”

Bonnie licked her hand and she smiled, placing a hand on her belly. Her belly was growing, Bonnie had noticed. Something was growing inside it, actually, she could smell it. Bonnie found it terrifying, but Leighanne seemed to be quite happy with it. Whatever was going on inside of there, it was going to change things.

When they -finally- reached the field, Leighanne retrieved the ball from her jacket and Bonnie jumped in joy. They played for quite a long time, and Bonnie felt a little tired when they headed back. The moment they stepped inside the house though, she felt all the hair on her body rise. Leighanne froze in place and Bonnie couldn’t suppress an anxious grumble. There were noises coming from the living room and a tremor of fear traveled through her body. Somebody was screaming and it took quite a while before Bonnie recognized the voice and was shaken out of her shock. She stormed into the living room, ready to jump on whatever it was that could make him scream like that.

She skidded to a stop, nearly colliding with the table, when she realized there was nobody that made him scream like that. But still, he was screaming. Bonnie gave a worried bark, but Brian didn’t look at her. He wasn’t looking at anybody, actually. His eyes were pressed closed and although he didn’t shake like he normally did when he had a seizure, his movements were uncoordinated and sluggish. Bonnie barked again, unsure of what to do. She watched Leighanne rush in quickly with a towel. She grabbed her mate’s hand and pressed the towel to his head. Bonnie had seen this before. Countless nights had they ended up in the bathroom while she felt the fear pouring out of Brian like blood out of an open wound. But never like this. This was beyond terrifying. His screams were agonized; his voice hoarse and nearly unrecognizable and he didn’t stop. Bonnie whined, inching back as she watched Leighanne sob, squeezing their hands together and talking to her mate in vain.

“Please baby,” she choked out, “Please come back, it’s just me. It’s just me and Bonnie here, Brian. You’re safe. You’re safe, Brian, I promise.”

Brian gave another strangled cry and Bonnie wondered if he was trapped. Why didn’t he wake up? Bonnie always woke up when someone called her name. She barked again and Brian’s eyes flew open with a gasp. He scrambled back, curling up on the couch and pressing his face to his knees as he shivered. Leighanne lay a hesitant hand on his sweat soaked back, but Brian moved away immediately.

“Don’t,” he gasped, “Just... don’t. Leave, please leave.”

Leighanne bit her lip, but nodded slowly before getting up. “Stay with him, Bonnie,” she whispered, her face wet and her make-up smudged with tears. Bonnie moved her eyes back to her owner, who was still shaking in fear on the couch.

With a sigh, Bonnie took her place underneath him, at the bottom of the couch. He would snap out of it eventually, she knew. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was definitely very wrong with him.


	6. A Familiar Face

He woke in darkness.

The awful stench of sweat and fear invaded his nose and he already felt his stomach turn. The basement was plastered with mold and shadows. He remembered hiding in those shadows when the monsters came down. His heart was beating too fast and he closed his eyes and shook his head.

“No,” he muttered.

“It’s alright, Brian, go on,” somebody said and he drew a shaky breath before he reopened his eyes. He stared intently at the red stains on the floor and nearly threw up when he saw him.

“No,” he cried.

“Brian, you are safe here, just tell me what is going on,” the voice said again and Brian felt his entire body tense up.

“He’s here,” he whispered.

“Who is it?”

“Thommy,” Brian breathed as Thomas Fenn stepped into the small beam of light that came from the open door. Thomas flashed him a sad smile, his chest smeared with blood and Brian remembered stubbornly pressing his hands onto the wound, despite knowing it was already far too late.

“He can’t hurt you, Brian,” the bodiless voice swam in his head.

“He wouldn’t,” Brian whispered. Thomas looked at him while pointing to the open door.

“You can leave, Brian,” he said.

“Come with me,” Brian choked out.

“You know I can’t,” the olive skinned boy said. Brian noticed the red stain on his chest growing and growing and watched silently as Thomas collapsed. He closed his eyes again, but not before he caught a glimpse of Thomas’ body turning into Nick’s.

“No!” he screamed.

“Alright Brian, let’s stop it there,” the voice in his head said calmly and then he was back.

Doctor Mellory Phillips looked at him with creased eyebrows. Brian felt the sweat sliding down his forehead as he sat up from the sofa. “I’m sorry I yelled,” he muttered.

“That’s perfectly alright,” the psychiatrist said. “Do you think about Thomas Fenn a lot?”

Brian nodded slowly, rubbing his face as he tried to get the image of a dead body out of his mind.

“Does he appear in your dreams too?”

Brian nodded again. “It’s... it’s different though. I-I can’t explain it.”

“We have time. You can say anything here, you know that.”

“I can’t,” Brian grunted.

“That’s alright. We don’t have to talk about the dreams yet, if you are not ready.”

“Thanks.”

“Anything else you’d like to tell me?”

“I don’t know,” Brian sighed, not looking at his hands, “I had a seizure yesterday. At work.”

Doctor Phillips nodded, “you are working again?”

“Just recording some stuff. I think I freaked everybody out though.”

“How did that make you feel?”

Brian snorted, “What do you think? Embarrassed, anxious, stressed out, you can choose.”

“Was there anything that set it off?”

He shrugged, biting his lip, “I haven’t really been sleeping well at all, lately. But you know that. I just... what if it happens randomly on stage? Or on TV, dear God. You know, with all those lights flashing on and off and stuff. What if I can’t perform at all?”

“Does that worry you?”

“Of course it worries me.”

“I understand. But you know the added stress makes you even more vulnerable to seizures and nightmares.”

Brian nodded; then scoffed, “Yeah. But I’m sorry, I can’t just turn my mind on and off.”

“If everybody could just do that, I wouldn’t have a job, I fear,” Doctor Phillips smiled warmly and Brian felt a smile appear on his face as well. The psychiatrist had a calming effect on him and he was grateful for that. She was kind and honest and did not judge him for anything he told her. Soon, he thought, he would tell her about the dreams.

When the session ended he got up with a sigh, nudging his dog awake. Bonnie looked up at him sleepily, with what he thought was quite the annoyed expression. He smiled at her and she stood up, stretching. After a quick goodbye, Brian and Bonnie were on their way home. He would return again in just two days. The intensive therapy was scheduled three times a week and Brian finally felt like it was doing him some good. He felt calmer, more confident as he walked with Bonnie through the streets. Sure, it was quiet today, on a saturday morning. And it was cold too. He shivered as he shoved his bare hands into his pockets. He should have definitely brought gloves, like his wife had suggested.

“ _But no, you are too stubborn to listen to her._ ”

He jumped; the voice seemed to come from nowhere and he swallowed. Bonnie looked at him questioningly, as if asking why they had suddenly stopped walking. Brian clenched his teeth and closed his eyes, counting to five before he started walking again. He felt on edge though, as if he was being followed. Was he just getting paranoid on top of all things?

After they got home, Brian stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom for a long while. His eyes were bloodshot, he noticed and he sighed. A good night’s sleep was long past due. He knew he could forget about that though. His left shoulder was throbbing; a familiar pain and courtesy of the cold weather, he presumed. The joint had never fully healed and with a grunt, Brian opened the medicine cabinet and peeked inside. There were a lot of pills there, far too many for Brian’s liking. He glared at the diazepam, which was supposed to keep his seizures at bay, but it hadn’t done a fantastic job yesterday, had it? Grumbling, he swallowed one of them, making a face as they slid down his throat. There were more pills even, sedatives, mostly. They were supposed to keep him calm and focused, but lately Brian felt like they just made him tired and listless. He wanted a clear, healthy mind, not a numb, lifeless version.

“ _I do think it’s nice that you still think about me,_ ” Brian looked up and saw a glimpse of the boy in the mirror. He swirled around, his heart leaping into his throat. There was nobody there, but Brian stood nailed to the ground, a shiver traveling up his spine that had nothing to do with the cold outside. His fingers curled around the bottle of sedatives, the lid slipping off and its contents spilling onto the bathroom floor.

“Who are you?” he whispered.

“ _You know who I am,_ ” the voice answered, annoyed.

“You’re dead,” Brian breathed, his hands shaking and the remainder of the pills falling out of the bottle.

“I’m not dead,” Thomas answered sternly, “or, well, I am. What does it matter?”

“Why are you here?” Brian heard his voice tremble and took a shaky breath.

“Relax, I’m not a ghost or anything,” Thomas Fenn smiled as he stepped through the door. He looked like he had when Brian had first seen him. The naive, confident young man that was absolutely convinced that his college friends were playing a horrifying practical joke on him. His clothes were unstained and the bullet wounds in his back and his chest were nowhere to be found. Like they were never there. His grey eyes flashed with a stubborn bravado that Brian had admired. He stared at the pills on the floor.

“Am I dreaming?”

“I don’t know,” Thomas replied, “You should totally pinch yourself to find out.”

“I’m not pinching myself,” Brian said.

“Fine,” Thomas shrugged. “Why are we in the bathroom?”

Brian clenched his jaw, turning around to look in the mirror. His own, as well as Thomas’ reflection stared back at him. Brian closed his eyes and counted to ten, but Thomas was still there. “You know that is never going to work, right?” the young man sighed.

Brian didn’t answer as he walked straight towards the door and out of the bathroom. He shrugged on his jacket, called his dog over and did not forget his gloves this time. They headed out of the house, into the backyard and Brian hurriedly sat down by the pond, clutching Nick’s torn baseball cap in his hands. The cap held a lot of bad memories, but it always could make him realize what was real and what was not real and Brian sighed when after fifteen minutes, still no Thomas had followed him out of the house.

He’d known PTSD could cause hallucinations, had been warned about them quite a few times, but he’d never imagined them to feel so real. He shivered, his fingers playing with Bonnie’s fur as he put his right arm around her, still holding the baseball cap in his left hand. Bonnie put her head on his leg and looked up at him, calmly waiting. He smiled slightly, “Let’s go back,” he mumbled and stood up stiffly. Bonnie jumped off of the bench without question, already heading towards the house. Brian followed her slowly, all the while doing his best to ignore the staring eyes he felt burning into his back.


	7. An Interesting Proposition

Nick remembered a lot. Not everything though. There was a whole lot of darkness in his mind. At the time; he didn’t know what to do with it and it was frustrating. And it was very strange as well. Because how were you supposed to go on when that rage, that dismay was growing inside of you?

And later, much, much later, Nick would say that he didn’t blame his friend for what he’d done. Later, much, much later, Nick would say he understood. But that was much later.

He stared down at the table, rubbing his temples tentatively, as to try and massage the nagging headache away. There had been nightmares last night. Normally, Nick was fairly successful in keeping them at bay; had studied all of the techniques his therapist had explained to him. And they worked, usually. But last night, every neat little trick seemed totally in vain as Nick had struggled against the dark shadows looming over him; each and every one of them wearing an animal mask. Nick had tried to run, thundering through an endless forest that kept getting darker and darker. The shadows had followed him, laughing and shooting and he’d almost been able to feel the bullets whiz only mere inches from his head. And then suddenly, there had been an empty cottage, and Nick had recognized it instantly and it had made his heart drop. He’d wasted no time to storm into the basement, the smell and sight as horrible as it had been before. And he’d thrown his arms around his friend, he’d shaken him, screamed at him to breathe, but nothing had happened.

And Nick remembered that fear. It had been only a year ago after all. Nick remembered that basement as if he himself had been locked down there for three months. He remembered what it was like to feel every single bone in somebody’s body when you picked them up and they were merely lifeless skin over bones. He remembered that fear, because he still saw it daily in his friend. And even though Nick had not been tortured for three months by a psychopath, even though Nick had escaped right before that could happen; he knew. And Brian knew that he knew. They shared a connection; a strange kind of bond that was both terrifying and more profound than anything that Nick had ever imagined.

Only he and Brian knew how truly evil people could be. And Nick had realized that things would never be able to get back to how they were. His innocence was gone completely. He didn’t trust people unless he knew them and that, in the music industry, was kind of a hard pill to swallow. Nick was terrified of being alone, made sure that somebody -preferably a bodyguard- was with him at all times, and never, ever went golfing again.

But he could see that Brian had it worse. Could see it in the way everybody was currently pretending not to notice that the plagued Backstreet Boy had fallen asleep with his head in his arms on the table. Johnny kept murmuring along awkwardly, rehashing the same suggestions over and over again. That they had to make sure that everybody agreed to this, that there was no one left out, that if this was what they really wanted to do, then so be it.

And no, Nick wasn’t sure. How could he ever be sure? Honestly, it all seemed pretty useless. What did being in a music group really matter anyway? Why should he care about what would happen? Enough had already happened to him. But yet, he wanted a future. He wanted to make money with the one thing that he’d once liked more than anything else on the planet. He wanted to perform again, he wanted that rush, that high, that maybe, and just maybe could make the darkness go away for a little while.  But what if it didn’t work? Because he’d tried, in the studio. And it had been very unnerving how he couldn’t feel anything while he sang. He used to be able to feel a song, to bring it like he meant every word. But no longer.

He wondered if Brian felt the same.

He tried to gently nudge Brian awake when he saw his friend’s face twist in fear. There was no need for nightmares here. Yet, at the same time, Brian seemed to really need his sleep. Nick gave him an awkward smile when he opened his eyes and sat up like nothing happened.

“So, can it be assumed that we’re all in agreement?” Johnny finally completed his monologue.

Brian’s eyes widened slightly and he looked at Nick questioningly for help. Nick shrugged and nodded. Brian’s frown only deepened so Nick took his pen and wrote it down.

_Seems like we’re on a break again._

“I want to work,” Brian protested. All faces slowly turned his way and he reddened considerably.

“Are you sure?” Kevin questioned hesitatingly.

“I can work,” Brian nodded adamantly.

Kevin’s gaze crossed Nick’s. They both knew that Brian was in no shape to be in a full time boy band again. So Nick cleared his throat, “I can’t.”

All eyes slowly turned his way now and he sighed, “I’m sorry, I just... I don’t feel it, you know?”

Kevin nodded quickly, “Totally understandable.”

Nick kept his eyes on the table, but felt Brian’s gaze burn through the side of his head. “I guess I just need more time,” he whispered.

AJ was nodding frantically and Nick saw relief in Howie’s eyes as well. Nick couldn’t read Brian’s expression, but the way the older singer squinted at him didn’t predict anything good. “I guess we can record though,” Nick added quickly, “Just, try not to push the album until we’re a hundred percent satisfied with everything.”

“Right,” Kevin grunted, “Perspective is what we need.”

“We’re gonna totally lose all audience,” Brian grumbled, “But seems like nobody cares about that particular thing.”

“Don’t be overdramatic,” Howie interjected, “We’ll be fine. The base is there.”

Brian shrugged in that typical, fine-but-I’m-still-not-fine-with-it way. Nick had seen it countless times. He would bottle it up, and then would smack you over the head with it another time. At least that little bit of Old Brian was still there. It was annoying, but familiar, and Nick smiled at that thought.

Brian stopped him down the hallway though. “You really did not need to do that.”

Nick shrugged without looking back at his follower, “Do what?”

“You’re fine. You can work.”

“How would you know that?”

Brian gave him an exasperated look, grabbing Nick’s arm as he caught up with him, “I’m fine. You don’t have to help me.”

“But I do,” Nick turned around, staring back at his friend adamantly. They had been through a lot together. Not only last year, but all those years before that. And he would’ve never talked back at Brian in the past. He’d admired him, worshipped him even. But then they’d grown up. And Nick had started to notice these little things that made Brian just as human as everybody else.

Brian’s eyes were intense and his jaw clenched, “You don’t need to save me, Nick. Not anymore. I’m so grateful you did that day, but that’s not your job anymore. I can take care of myself.”

“Is that why you fell asleep in the middle of the meeting today?”

Brian broke his gaze and frowned, “It was boring.”

“No, it wasn’t the reason,” Nick said.

“So what do you want to hear?” Brian growled, “That I can’t sleep? Because I can’t. You happy now?”

Nick sighed, leaning against the wall now, “I couldn’t either. In the beginning, I mean.”

Brian took a place next to him, sliding down the wall slowly, “When did everything get so fucked up.”

“I can tell you the exact moment, but let’s not go back to that.”

“Yeah.”

“We need distractions,” Nick mumbled.

Brian’s eyes flicked to a point near the opposite that Nick wasn’t exactly sure of, “How?”

“AJ is having a big poker game tonight,” Nick opted, “Let’s give it a try.”

“You forget one thing,” Brian smiled, his gaze still resting on the opposite wall.

“What?”

“We’re both rubbish at poker.”


	8. A Lost Religion

The first snow that year didn’t come until the end of December. The holidays were busy and more than once Brian had wished that he could just stay in his room the entire time. It was safer there; away from the people, from the noise. He’d almost given in to the panic, but he’d been able to keep his composure in front of his friends and family and that was quite an accomplishment, if he said so himself.

He allowed himself to laugh out loud at his dog’s crazy antics. Bonnie jumped from left to right in the snow, total bewilderment evident in every move that she made. Brian guessed the Border Collie had never seen snow before and it was quite funny how she handled the situation.

“I think she’s getting the hang of it,” A voice said and Brian stiffened immediately.

He didn’t say anything. Usually, if he ignored Thomas long enough, he would go away. But he always came back. The young dark-skinned man stuffed his hands in his pockets and shivered, before taking a place beside Brian. On edge, Brian clenched his teeth, feeling the tension in his whole body. Thomas was dead, he told himself. This wasn’t healthy.

He hadn’t told anybody about Thomas. Not his wife, not Nick, not even Mellory Phillips, his therapist. They would think he was crazy. And even if he was, he did not want to go back to the hospital. That was behind him. He had gotten better. He was better.

He was fine.

“But do you think she’ll like it more if there was this big mountain of snow?” Thomas went on, seemingly completely unbothered by the lack of response. “Because I do. We should make this big mountain of snow, and then let her jump in it. She’ll have the time of her life.”

Brian kept his eyes firmly on his dog, who was now tentatively trying to lick the cold white stuff from the ground. The pond was frozen, the ducks were gone. And Brian couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen snow either. He bent down, scooping up a handful and kneading it into a ball.

“Bonnie!”

Bonnie looked up immediately, right before the ball of snow came sailing into her face. She barked once; then ran a safe distance away from Brian’s aim. She looked at him questioningly, not understanding the sudden assault.

“Oh come on, Bon,” Brian laughed, “It was just a joke.”

Bonnie, happy to hear her owner laughing; came running back, her tail wagging and she barked at him again. Brian smiled, slowly rising from the bench. He swayed a little and frowned. His surroundings were spinning around him and he reached a hand back for the bench. His arms were tingling and he closed his eyes, a wave of dizziness swallowing him.

“No, not now,” he mumbled, but his voice sounded distant, even to him. There were a lot of people in the house, and those people were worried enough about him as it was. He’d kind of gone out to avoid their pitiful stares and there good willing advice; claiming that a little fresh air would do him good. “Damnit.”

This would be the second one this week, and that was quite possibly a new record for him. He shivered, for the first time feeling the actual coldness of the snow. Bonnie barked at him continuously, but he barely registered her.

“Maybe you should call for help,” Thomas piped up.

“Maybe you should shut up,” Brian replied, but he was pretty sure that his response was only in his head. Still, that didn’t stop Thomas.

“You’re going to have a seizure, aren’t you?” the younger man inquired.

Brian wanted to close his eyes to drown him out, but he needed to stay conscious, hoping that nobody would hear Bonnie’s barks and come out. Bonnie’s job was actually to alert people, but there were more than a few times that Brian wished he could just get it over with without everybody knowing.

“When’s the last time you properly slept, dude?” Thomas asked, his voice sounding concerned. “Like, a week ago, maybe?”

Brian felt the darkness closing in, but Thomas didn’t disappear. He didn’t remember when he’d last slept through the night. It had been too long. His head was pounding and it was so hard to keep his eyes open. Brian shivered again before his vision was harshly flooded with whiteness, then black, then nothing.  Nothing but Thomas. The young man stayed beside him, and Brian was vaguely aware of other voices breaking through the haze, along with a dog barking. Thomas nodded at him slowly. “I’m staying right here with you, brother,” he said solemnly.

Brian stared back at him as Thomas slowly started to blur. Not long after, not even Thomas seemed to exist anymore.

Next thing Brian knew, it was warm. And soft. And he heard soft but urgent voices whispering above him.

“You said this was the second time this week?”

“Yeah, it’s probably a lack of sleep thing.”

“Shouldn’t we call a doctor?”

“Not unless he has one right after.”

“For how long does he usually stay unconscious?”

 _I’m not unconscious, Kevin;_ Brian thought exasperated. Still, he couldn’t get himself to move even a little bit.

“Not long,” Leighanne said softly, and Brian felt her hand comb through his hair. “Ten, maybe fifteen minutes.”

Brian couldn’t see him, but he could sense Kevin pacing the room nervously, “I knew it was a good idea to go on another hiatus.”

“Yeah, he wasn’t exactly pleased with that either.”

“Poor thing looks like he needs at least three months of sleep,” Brian heard his mother speak up and his heart ached with the sadness in her voice. It was time to let them know he could hear everything they said. Bonnie’s wet nose was nudging his hand and he stroked her head carefully. With a groan he opened hi s eyes, his blurred, unfocused vision slowly settling on his wife, his mother, and Kevin, who all looked at him worriedly. Even Bonnie seemed to be concerned.

“You okay there, buddy?” Kevin asked, his dark eyebrows furrowed.

Brian managed to nod slightly and was fairly proud of that little controlled movement, thank you very much. Kevin didn’t light up.

“Do you know where you are?” he asked the predictable question quickly.

“L’ving room?” Brian mumbled, his words slurring just a tiny bit.

Kevin nodded tightly, finally backing off with a sigh. “Y’all scaring the crap out of us.”

“S’rry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Kevin smiled slightly, “You gonna be okay?”

 “Think so.”

“I’mma give you some rest and join the overly concerned peeps in the kitchen,” Kevin informed, looking at the two women meaningfully.

“I’ll stay here,” Jackie volunteered before Brian could protest.

Kevin nodded almost unnoticeably, his face still as grim as before. The room went quiet after he and Leighanne left. Brian felt a shiver run through him as he sat up a little straighter on the couch.

“I’m sorry, Ma,” he mumbled.

“Oh, it’s alright sweetie,” his mother said as she sat down next to him, “It was fairly scary looking though.”

“So I’ve been told,” Brian smiled sadly.

Mom nodded, then it was silent again. “Brian?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you be honest with me?” she looked up, tears already brimming in her eyes.

Brian swallowed thickly, looking down before facing his mother, “Sure,” he said, clearing his throat.

“Is it coming back?”

“What?”

“The memories? Are you remembering the things from... then? Is that why you have trouble sleeping?”

“ _She’s asking the real questions now, dude_.” Brian looked up slightly and saw Thomas’ huddled figure in the corner of the room.

“No,” Brian said softly, “I don’t think so. It’s just stress, Mom. I’m gonna be a father after all.”

“Good,” Mom nodded, a little relieved, “You shouldn’t try to remember. It’s better if it stays buried.”

Brian swallowed and looked down at his hands, not sure he believed that. He didn’t remember much detail from when he was... there. He remembered Thomas, and Thomas’ death, and the basement. But all the other stuff was a fog, and he was more than a little afraid to clear it up. Doctor Phillips had told him that it was a way for his mind to cope with the traumatic events, to just block everything out and try to move on and that at one point, he wouldn’t even be able to remember the basement anymore.

Brian looked forward to that day.

But he also knew that things didn’t stay buried forever.

“I won’t try,” he whispered.

“God is protecting you,” Mom said softly.

Thomas scoffed in his corner and Brian clenched his jaw, suddenly feeling his throat close up. “I just want to sleep, Mom,” he said, his voice shaking.

“Have faith, Brian.”

“Is that your answer to everything?” Brian replied, a little harsher than he intended.

The look of hurt in his mother’s eyes didn’t go unnoticed, “God will come through, don’t believe me, believe Him.”

“I can’t,” Brian’s voice broke and he sagged against his mother, “He wasn’t there, that much I do know.”

“Sometimes, He needs a bit of time to find His children that are lost,” Mom nodded, the tears now streaming down her cheeks.

“I can’t sleep, Mom. I just want to sleep. I didn’t mean to be lost.”

“I know, I know, baby,” Mom whispered as she wrapped her arms around his shaking form carefully, as to not startle him, “I know it’s hard, and I cannot imagine just how hard. Nobody can. But know that every single person you know is willing to help. Put your trust in them, and in Him.”

Brian tried to nod and compose himself quickly. Looking up, he sawThomas was right beside his mother, lips pressed into a thin line and a look of disbelief in his eyes. “I will, Ma,” Brian said softly.

“And whenever you feel like things are getting worse, I need you to tell us, alright?”

And he wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her everything. About his dreams, about Thomas, about the strange feeling of being watched. He wanted to, but what would she think? How could he do that to her? So he nodded, looking down to the ground. “I’mma try and get some sleep now.”

“Sounds like the most wonderful idea,” his mother smiled lovingly before leaving.

He laid back down on the couch, a bit dizzy. Thomas was still there, looking at him in dismay. “You know she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, right?”

“She’s my mother,” Brian hissed warningly, fairly sure nobody could hear him.

“’Have faith’? How does that make anything better?” Thomas grunted.

“Just shut up, you’re not making anything better either,” Brian mumbled.

“I’m just saying. God wasn’t there when that monster took us to come out and play.”

Brian felt the bile rising in his throat as the image of the stairs in the basement floated through his mind. He didn’t say anything as he closed his eyes, his hand searching for Bonnie’s head in assurance.

“Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?” Thomas sneered, still perfectly audible even with Brian’s eyes closed, “Was he ever there at all?”


	9. A Careless Afternoon

Bonnie didn’t know where to look. The cars were flying past and she couldn’t see Brian anywhere. She hated this. Brian had called it carting and for two days he had spoken of nothing else but going carting. And Bonnie had found the way he spoke about it exciting.

And it was exciting. But not in the good way.

The cars were already turning around the one corner again, and Bonnie found herself shaking on her legs. They made a lot of noise and smelled bad. How could that ever be fun? She barked in frustration. She was on the job, but how could she be on the job when Brian was purposefully nowhere in sight? For a moment, she wondered if she should go follow the cars, but they were so fast and Bonnie wasn’t sure she could keep up with them. Still, it was worth a try.

Cocking her head, Bonnie looked up and down the barricade, trying to determine how to get past it. Deciding that the best way was to walk to the end and then maybe go underneath it, Bonnie softly padded away from her spot.

Startled, the young dog jumped back when the cars flew by her again. Taunting and clamoring, the small vehicles sneered as they crept through the corner again. Barking in dismay, Bonnie scrambled underneath the barricade, and then she felt the asphalt beneath her paws. She took a few careful steps. The annoying sounds of the cars were gone and she wasn’t exactly sure where they were now. Sniffing the air, and the ground, she followed the trail left by the motor oil. After a few moments, she rounded the same corner as the cars had done a couple of minutes before. She saw people talking and laughing, standing besides the small cars and a shiver of relief coursed through her spine.

“No Bonnie, no no no, get out of the way!” She suddenly heard Brian’s voice resound over the track. “Damnit, I forgot to tie her up,” He said, shoving his helmet in AJ’s hands and running towards his dog.

Bonnie barked happily at him, glad she had finally found him. When they came together, Brian didn’t pet her head like he normally would when they had been apart for some time. Instead, he grabbed her neck and dragged her to the side of the road, into the grass. Bonnie cowered, her tail between her legs and whined at his harsh administrations. “Don’t do that, Bonnie. It’s dangerous. They could run you over.”

Bonnie cocked her head at him, not understanding, but relieved that his tone wasn’t as angry as his urgent handling had been. “Sorry Bon, I shoulda put you on the leash, huh?” He smiled at her, finally reaching out a hand to scratch behind her ears. Some cars drove past again and Bonnie barked angrily at them.

“It’s alright Bon, it’s actually fun,” Brian said, standing up. “Right AJ?”

AJ nodded frantically, throwing the helmet back at Brian as he came walking towards them. “Don’t suppose we should put a dog in one of those though,” he laughed. Bonnie wagged her tail as he gave her a bite of his sandwich. AJ was fantastic. He always had treats and he always knew the exact spots to scratch. Bonnie loved him almost as much as her owner. Maybe even the same amount.

“Y’all having the party of your lives in the middle of the race track,” Nick came strolling over. He too, had a helmet in his head. And Bonnie had seen the helmets on the cars as well. Maybe they had something to do with it.

“The barricades aren’t for nothing, you know,” AJ smiled.

“You should let Bonnie know,” Brian said. Bonnie wagged her tail at the mention of her name and AJ threw her another piece of his sandwich. This attention certainly made up for the scary, loud, stinking cars that were still flying past every now and then.

“Don’t over feed my dog,” Brian grumbled, but his face was still smiling, “She has a job, you know.”

“She does,” AJ nodded, smiling down at Bonnie, “And she should get paid in food.”

“She gets more than enough from my wife,” Brian replied, “There’s like six bags of dog treats in the cupboards, and only a small portion of those are Tyke’s.”

Bonnie looked around frantically, trying to see if she could see the little Chihuahua anywhere. He usually hid from her, now knowing full well that she was in charge. But she couldn’t hear, or smell him right now, so Brian’s mention must have been a false alarm. AJs hand came down on her head again as he patted the fur behind her ears. “That so? Are you going to be a fat, lazy dog, Bonnie?”

Brian laughed, and Bonnie saw Nick smiling as well. The two of them didn’t usually laugh or smile, so Bonnie was happy that she could be the cause of their joy. They walked towards the barricades again, and this time, Bonnie was allowed to come with them. They were talking loudly and laughing and Bonnie trudged next to them as they entered the building. It was nice and warm in there and the shrill noises of the cars were finally diminished. It also smelled like food inside and Bonnie’s mouth started to water when she caught the scent of fries and warm bread. And Bonnie relished in the smell. And they bought the food, and they laughed and they talked and they petted Bonnie and played with her when she was off work. And they scratched her ears and played with the ball and fed her their fries.

And later, much much later; when Bonnie was cold and wet and hungry and alone and Brian wouldn’t wake up no matter what she did; she would remember this fine afternoon of fries and ball games. She would remember the fun she had, and the harsh times that had come since. She would yearn for the smell of fries and the sound of their laughter.


	10. A Burst of Anger

The young man sitting across from her was restless, his foot tapping the floor incessantly and his bloodshot eyes nervously flashing through the office. Caffeine. Mellory Phillips made a quick note about it as she observed his behavior. He was clearly agitated, possibly a result from the little sleep he was managing to get. His hands were shaking as he wrapped them around the warm cup of tea she had offered him and he carefully took a sip of the scalding liquid inside.

“Have you had any dreams last night?” Mellory decided to start the conversation.

Brian slowly swallowed his tea, avoiding her eyes; “I haven’t really slept at all last night.”

Mellory nodded, seeing the fear in his expression. He was afraid to dream, which wasn’t at all uncommon for someone with his condition. “Would you like me to prescribe something stronger in terms of sleeping pills?”

Brian thought about it, “I don’t know. Will it help?”

“Likely,” she nodded.

“Will I dream?”

“That is hard to say,” Mellory replied truthfully, “It will cause your mind to be more at ease, so it’s possible that there won’t be any dreams.”

“Okay,” Brian said quickly.

Mellory Phillips made a quick note about it.

“Would you like to start right now?” she asked.

“I don’t... I don’t know.” He was rather hesitant today, and Mellory wondered why.

“Brian, is there something wrong?” she asked.

“I’m- I don’t,” he struggled to speak, his hand unconsciously tightening around the dog leash. “What if I start to remember?”

“It’s not unlikely,” Mellory nodded, understanding. “But it’s important to give it a place, to not have to put it away. Because you know that it seems easier now, but it will become much harder in the long run.”

“I don’t want to,” Brian answered, a bit more determined, “There must be a reason that I don’t remember this stuff, I don’t think I should dig it up.”

Mellory wasn’t fooled as he blinked nervously at her, “Has something happened, Brian? Are you remembering?” she questioned, a bit stern.

“I can’t talk about it,” Brian replied coldly, his eyes drilling through hers. She held his gaze willingly, not giving in.

“You can say anything here, you know that,” She gave him the same answer as she always did.

“I know,” he responded, “I’m- I’m scared of what will happen.”

“What do you mean?”

“What will I become?” he looked at her helplessly and she nodded calmly.

“I understand your fears, Brian. But the reason you are not able to sleep right now, is because there’s a lot of unresolved trauma hiding somewhere in your mind. We must find a way to deal with that. I’m only here to help you.”

He bit his lip and stared at his hands. It took quite a while before he spoke, “I think I’m seeing things. You know, things that aren’t really there?”

Mellory swallowed, careful not to let him see her concern. Hallucinations were a symptom of far-progressed PTSD, and although there was no doubt that Brian had the disorder, it came as a bit of a surprise to have him admit to severe symptoms like that. He had been doing really well for a very long time. He had made gigantic leaps in his recovery from the first time that she’d seen him. Maybe it was too fast. Mellory was disappointed in herself that she hadn’t been able to prepare him for what might happen. She wondered if she hadn’t forced him into reality too quickly. “What kind of things are you experiencing?” she asked, her voice urgent, but still calm.

“Thomas,” Brian replied without hesitation.

Mellory Phillips made a quick note about it.

“Is he here right now?” she asked, looking up from her bloc-note.

Brian nodded slowly, “Yeah, he’s here,” he said, staring at a point on the opposite wall.

“Is he ever talking to you, or is he just there?” Mellory wanted to know.

“He’s... quite talkative.”

“What kind of things does he say?”

“Just... useless stuff, really. About the dog, and dinner.”

Mellory nodded, a bit relieved, “Does he ever talk about the time you spent away?”

Brian’s expression hardened and he clenched his jaw, “No.”

Mellory nodded again quickly, showing him she was on his side no matter what. Brian was watching her sternly, still as a statue now. Mellory had to suppress a sigh. They weren’t getting anywhere today, it seemed. They might as well end the session right there. “So, would you like to-”

“Do you know what hunger is?” Brian suddenly asked. His expression had changed into a dark, sinister gaze and his voice was low and controlled.

Mellory’s brow creased as she observed the sudden difference in his stature. His shoulders and back had straightened and he seemed to be looking down on her. “I don’t-”

“See, you might think you know what it’s like. Like, you may have read a book or two with descriptions of it. But you don’t know the real deal.”

Doctor Phillips sat back a bit, trying to figure the sudden change out. “You don’t have to listen to him, Brian,” she commented eventually.

“It starts with just the need for food, completely normal,” he continued, ignoring her, “Then it starts to hurt. Like, these shooting sharp pains that continuously let you know that you need to eat. And then you start shaking and passing out at random times. And then you find yourself unable to coordinate your own movements. And then... then you don’t even want food anymore. Then you just want to lie down and sleep. And that’s when he would come in with a plate of plain spaghetti. Not much, just enough to keep you alive.”

Brian spoke about the memory without any kind of emotion or attachment, like he was just giving a presentation of a project he didn’t care about. The disconnection was alarming and Mellory studied him in concern. He stared back with no interest; the dog lying at his feet was now looking at him too, seemingly sensing the change in his composure as well. “It’s a start, we c-”

“There’s no need to explore any of these memories further,” Brian didn’t let her continue, “It’s useless and harmful. You don’t want to know what happened to me. I don’t want to know what happened to me. Because the things that happened to me are horrifying, and the memories _fucking hurt!_ ”

He screamed the last bit, throwing the glass of tea to the ground and Mellory jumped back in her seat. The dog barked anxiously and Brian’s face twisted in anger. His eyes shifted slightly to a spot next to Mellory and she saw the hatred and disgust clearly written on his face. His hands were balled into fists and were shaking on the arm rests of his chair. For a moment, Mellory was sure he was going to lash out. But then he seemed to snap out of it, cleared his throat awkwardly and slowly got up.

“I apologize,” he said, his voice soft and slightly shaking. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“It’s- it’s okay,” Mellory replied, for once not able to hide her own unease.

“I understand if you don’t want to provide therapy for me any longer,” Brian’s gaze was directed to the ground.

“You are as welcome here as ever,” Mellory said without hesitation. She knew there were going to be a lot of setbacks, that it was no easy road to recovery and that Brian would need intensive therapy for the rest of his life, but these kind of cases were her specialty, and outbursts like this were something she’d dealt with a lot in her professional career.

His blue eyes traveled upwards, relieved, “thank you.”


	11. A Bad Drug

She smiled, relieved. He was sleeping, and he was close to her. Her parent’s living room was considerably dark and she found she could finally relax after a hectic day of packing and unpacking.

The baby in her belly gave a vigorous kick and she couldn’t suppress a groan. “Stop tormenting me, Baylee,” she whispered, in fact not minding the lively movement within her one bit. Brian moved a little next to her, but stayed perfectly asleep, with his head on her thigh. He’d fallen asleep listening to the baby, and Leighanne determined it was the cutest thing ever. Her whole leg had steadily gone numb as well, but she didn’t mind at all.

Brian slept a lot lately, actually. She guessed it was to make up for all those nights he’d been forced to stay awake. The new medication had an unrivalled effect on his sleeping pattern and there hadn’t been any nightmares in over a week now. And yes, she was counting.

Apart from being able to get some much needed rest, Brian was calmer and more relaxed due to the new pills. And it had been more than a month since the last seizure And yes, she was counting. Life had gone on to pick up some of the normal routine she’d known before all the bad stuff had happened. And she was grateful for that.

Not that there weren’t downsides to the strict, new medication regime. The side-effects were more pronounced than before. They made him nauseous most of the time and the moment he’d finally reached a healthy weight after months, she’d noticed he was already losing pounds again. But that wasn’t the worst thing. No, she was more worried about his mental state. Although he was much calmer and less jumpy, he seemed awfully detached. There was no real joy or sadness or happiness or anything really in him anymore. It was like he lived in a permanent state of disconnection. Like he didn’t really care about anything anymore. That was fairly frightening.

The door opened slightly and Leighanne jerked, snapping out of her thoughts.

“Do you need anything?” her mother asked.

“Besides a pillow?” Leighanne smiled, “I don’t think I can feel my leg anymore.”

“I’m on it,” her mother replied and a minute later she was back with three pillows.

“You didn’t have to overdo it, Ma,” her daughter sighed, carefully maneuvering her leg away from under her husband’s head and replacing it with a pillow. She stretched her numb leg carefully, already feeling the tingling sensation.

“Maybe you should try and get some sleep as well, you look real tired, honey,” Mom said seriously.

“I’m fine,” Leighanne insisted, “I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. Baylee’s been kicking all evening, and I’m starting to get the feeling he isn’t settling down any time soon.”

Mom smiled, “These boys are keeping you busy, aren’t they?”

“Sure seems like it.”

“I know it must be real hard on you,” Mom’s eyes were filled with compassion and Leighanne felt her heart clench at the look of concern on her face.

“I’ll be fine,” she managed to say confidently, although she knew her mother was right. “Brian’s helping a great deal anyway.”

Mom nodded a little too quickly, “Of course he is. You taught that boy well.”

Leighanne laughed softly, “When we first started living together, he didn’t even know how to use a vacuum,” she remembered, “I sure showed him how to do his homework.”

“Ha,” Mom laughed, “You can’t blame him though. You don’t normally have to vacuum hotel rooms yourself.”

“With the mess he and Nick left behind, I’m surprised the hotel staff didn’t insist they cleaned it themselves.”

“Shh,” Mom patted her leg playfully, “Don’t make me wake him up with my laughing fit, because I could just see those two dirty dogs grudgingly vacuum a hotel room together,” she laughed, “Speaking of dogs, where’s that white brown thing that follows the two of you anywhere?”

“Bonnie?” Leighanne smiled, “We decided to leave her at home, she’s become awfully overprotective lately. Plus, I know you’re not too fond of dogs, Mom.”

“Bonnie isn’t the worst of it,” Mom insisted, though the relief shone through on her face.

“She was not amused when we left,” Leighanne informed her. “Neither was Tyke, for that matter. But I’m sure Bob and Laura will take care of them. Tyke seems to like them better than us anyway.”

Mom smiled, leaning back in her armchair. “So, Bonnie is jobless now.”

“Bonnie is an alert dog,” Leighanne reminded, “Brian doesn’t need an alert dog if he is surrounded by people.”

“You don’t want to share your man with a dog,” Mom teased, an amused glittering in her eyes.

“I certainly don’t,” Leighanne gave in. “And he’s on new meds since yesterday, so we have to see how that goes first.”

“What is it this time?” Mom asked with a sigh, highly aware of the numerous pills that they had already collected over the past.

“Zyprexa or something,” Leighanne said, “It’s an anti-psychotic,” she added quietly.

“Oh dear,” Mom muttered, “They’re turning him into a guinea pig this way.”

Leighanne nodded softly, staring at her hands, and then at Brian. “Didn’t Jimmy...” she whispered quietly, her hands starting to shake involuntarily.

“Your stepbrother was on a lot of things,” Mom replied sternly, “he was in a really bad shape, Leighanne, you know that.”

“Still,” Leighanne said, “Zyprexa, I think I remember that.”

“I think these cases are hardly comparable,” Mom commented in a tone that meant that they should drop the subject altogether, “Jimmy and Brian are completely different people. There hasn’t been any indication that Brian would do something like that, has there?”

“No!” Leighanne said quickly, a little too loud. Brian muttered something, but didn’t stir further. “No,” she said, much quieter, “But I can’t help but think about Jimmy sometimes.”

“Jimmy had never been happy with his life,” Mom said, and Leighanne had never heard her mother talk this much about her stepson in the fifteen years since his death, “He was too far gone to save. The moment he stepped out of this life, it must have been a blessing in his eyes. He didn’t fight it. He’d just never enjoyed living.”

“I never knew that,” Leighanne whispered, impressed. “Brian’s been fighting so hard.”

“And he’s come very far.”

Leighanne nodded, remembering little over a year ago, when you couldn’t even enter the same room as Brian without him completely losing his mind. The fear and panic had been so pure and almost animalistic at times, that she’d wondered how he’d ever come back from it. That version of Brian seemed far away now, this one was, although still affected by the past, a much more stable man and husband. She just wished he’d acknowledge the fact that he was her husband a little bit more. There was a lot of stuff still missing. And she missed those things. She missed touching him without him shrinking back. She missed him touching her in that gentle, caring way she’d fallen in love with. She missed their careless talks in the middle of the night, where their bond had strengthened in a matter of months. She missed his comfort, his confidence, his genuine laugh and his boundless love. And with every improvement, she was afraid that this was the best it would get.

“I hope he isn’t going to freak out once the baby is born,” she mumbled.

“I think the baby will actually be a very good thing for him,” Mom replied, “You should give him some time.”

“I guess.”

Brian awoke with a groan, his brow creasing as he opened his eyes. “Y’all been talking about me,” he stated sleepily.

“Only the good stuff,” Mom smiled.

“Uhuh,” he grunted. He sat up slowly, wrapping both his arms around his midsection and squeezing his eyes shut.

“You alright, baby?” Leighanne felt the familiar concern when her husband didn’t open his eyes.

“These drugs are going to be the end of me,” he muttered, tightening his arms around his stomach.

“Nauseous?” his wife asked.

Brian breathed out slowly, “Ugh,” he moaned, “Yep.”

“Just take deep breaths,” Leighanne insisted sternly.

Brian winced, doubling over as the cramps tripled in intensity, “Not working. I’mma be sick.”

“Can you get to the bathroom?”

“Think so,” Brian grunted before stumbling up from the couch and bounding through the door.

“Oh, that poor boy,” Mom mumbled, watching the door with a shocked expression, “Does that happen a lot?”

“It’s the side-effects,” Leighanne sighed, “He doesn’t usually actually throw up though.”

“Should we check on him?” Mom asked.

“I don’t think he’ll appreciate that very much,” Leighanne smiled slightly. The room stayed silent and she wished Brian would come back already so she could be rid of her mother’s pitiful stare. She could see there were a thousand questions in her mother’s eyes, but Leighanne wasn’t sure she wanted to answer any of them anymore. Brian’s absence continued for over ten minutes and Leighanne was starting to feel finicky. She wanted to see what took him so long, but wanted to give him his privacy as well.

“We should take a look,” Mom commented after five more minutes.

“Yes,” Leighanne agreed quickly before getting up.

She wished she hadn’t waited so long before going to check on Brian. He was bent over the toilet bowl, violent heaves wrecking his entire body. He was shaking uncontrollably, and Leighanne saw the sweat stream down his skin. His shivering intensified when she placed a careful hand on his back, rubbing gently as she heard the rasping breaths hitch in his throat.

He heaved again, his whole body clenching and his back arching painfully. He cried out in pain before throwing up in the toilet and Leighanne gasped in shock.

There was blood.

“Oh my God,” Mom breathed from the door before Leighanne could say anything. She turned around in the doorframe and yelled upstairs for her husband to come down. Leighanne tried to get Brian’s attention by grabbing his upper arm and looking into his face. His bloodshot eyes dazedly drifted towards her and he clumsily tried to hold on to her dressing gown.

“Brian? Brian, is it the drugs?” Leighanne asked urgently and her throat tightened as she felt Brian nod weakly against her.

“Don’t feel good,” he slurred, another tremor wrecking through him. His eyes started to droop and Leighanne made sure to tighten her grip on him.

“You gotta stay with me, alright?” she insisted, “These are some heavy-duty meds, you can’t fall asleep now.”

“It hurts,” Brian managed to get out between labored breaths.

Mom returned with Leighanne’s stepfather and Jef wasted no time in rushing in and kneeling besides the two on the floor next to the toilet. “How’s his pulse?”

“It’s really slow,” Mom replied and Leighanne looked at her in surprise, not having realized that her mother was next to her as well.

“His bloodpressure is dropping,” Jef grumbled, “We should get him to the hospital.”

“What’s happening to him?” Leighanne asked in a smothered voice.

“Seems like he has a bad reaction,” Jef explained quickly, “We gotta hurry though.”

As if on cue, Brian sagged against his wife, completely motionless. Leighanne couldn’t help the panic that was slowly suffocating her as they scrambled to get Brian into Jef’s old Jeep. She thanked the Lord for Jef’s medical training as she raked her fingers through Brian’s short hair during the drive. Upon arrival, the ER staff took him in immediately and Leighanne stared at their retreating forms in defeat.

It took forty minutes before somebody came to get them. Leighanne breathed again when she saw the relief on the guy’s face. “That was real close there for a second,” the doctor said, “But it looks like he’ll be fine.”

“Really?” Leighanne rushed.

“Yes,” the doctor agreed, “It was a pretty violent reaction to his medication. You mentioned Zyprexa?”

Leighanne nodded quickly, “Is that what caused this?”

“Probably,” the doctor said, “That’s some heavy stuff. Gotta be careful with it. Not many people are that allergic to it, but your husband came pretty close today.”

Leighanne felt the stone in her gut drop a few meters, “What about the blood?”

“That’s typical for a bad reaction to anti-psychotics,” he answered. “The good thing is that he pulled through it. He’s resting now. His vitals are up and he should be feeling back to normal in a few hours.”

“Thank you,” Mom said quicky.

Leighanne trembled in fear. She could have lost him today. Just like that. And later, much later, when she was lying on the kitchen floor, wounded, immobile. When the darkness was slowly closing in on her, she remembered how she could have lost him that day.


	12. A Bitter Truth

“Ah, this is useless,” Nick grumbled, throwing the piece of paper with the lyrics on the ground.

“No no, I like it,” Brian said, stopping the strumming on his guitar. “That line just needs another word, is all.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.”

“Like I said, useless,” Nick sighed.

“If you would just-”

_“No, we can’t!”_

Both boys looked up at the harsh sound of Kevin’s voice outside the room. Nick’s fingers curled around the arms of his chair and Brian’s brow furrowed deeply. They looked questioningly at each other, both unaware of the reason of Kevin’s sudden outburst. Then, much quieter, came Howie’s voice.

_“Would you keep it down?”_

Kevin said something in return, his voice now muffled by the door as he and Howie seemed to have moved out of earshot.

“Well then,” Nick mumbled, laughing nervously. He didn’t usually hear Kevin yell that loud, not at all if they were in a public building. Nick didn’t like yelling people. He bent forward to retrieve the forgotten guitar from the ground, plucking at some of the strings.

“What do you think they’re talking about?” Brian asked him nevertheless.

“Dunno,” Nick grumbled gloomily in response. It was best to not question things nowadays. He just took things as they came, and he did his best to ignore the rest. It had worked for more than a year, it would work now. He’d heard Kevin yell at Howie before, it wasn’t anything new. Nothing interesting to get involved in, surely.

“It’s not about the album again, is it?” Brian mumbled, glancing at the door, unsure.

Nick shrugged, really not in the mood to investigate the argument outside further, “What is it you were saying about the line?”

“I thought you gave up on the song?” Brian smiled, his features relaxing.

“I think it might be salvageable.”

“We need another word in the line, to keep with the rhythm,” Brian continued.

“Yeah, but I like the line as it is.”

“You’re okay with getting the whole song off track?”

“I didn’t say th-”

“Nick, can we talk to you for a minute?” Kevin’s head suddenly appeared around the corner of the doorway.

“I, er,” Nick hesitated, shooting Brian a quick look.

Brian rolled his eyes, slowly getting up from the couch, “Right, I forgot y’all turn into retards when I’m around,” he said, tugging on the dog leash to get Bonnie to move. The dog lazily stretched before getting up and gave Nick a disinterested glance before leaving the room after her owner.

Kevin and Howie both filed in awkwardly before shutting the door. Nick watched the hallway, confused, “Did you have to exclude him?”

“It’s best you know before he does,” Howie said solemnly.

“Know what? What are you guys being all mysterious for?”

“There’s a... situation,” Kevin mumbled uneasily.

“It’s gonna be all over the news soon,” Howie added with a serious expression.

“You look like you have a potato stuck in your throat or something,” Nick sighed. There had been ‘situations’ all over the news about them for the better part of last year, but somehow, Howie and Kevin always felt personally responsible for things getting out.

“Jacob Emmery is dead,” Howie said calmly.

The name made Nick’s blood run cold and he shivered involuntarily. He bit his lip and clenched his fist to keep his hands from shaking. Unbelievable how much of an impact that single name still had on him, “Good,” was the first thing that came to mind.

“They think he was murdered, you know... eliminated,” Kevin gave him a meaningful glance.

“By who?” Nick thought out loud.

“You and him both testified against his brothers in court,” Howie stated and suddenly Nick saw the problem.

“You think this was some kind of vengeance kill?” Nick asked, his voice reaching another octave, “The Emmery brothers are imprisoned, aren’t they?”

“They might have hired someone, the point is,” Howie put a finger up for emphasis, “Jacob screwed them over, and now he’s dead.”

Nick swallowed thickly, grabbing the arms of the chair as a wave of dizziness moved over him, “Do you think he’ll come after me? Or Brian?”

“The police doesn’t think so,” Kevin quickly said, then turned to Howie, “See, this is why I said it’s a bad idea to tell them.”

“But I testified too!” Nick said, his voice shaking, “And Brian... God, Brian probably saw a lot of what he wasn’t supposed to see.”

“Nick, you were their victims, not their brother,” Howie said softly, “The police is getting to the bottom of this, alright?”

“Cause they did such a wonderful job last time,” Nick grumbled, “It took them thirteen weeks to find him, Howard, and it would have taken them a lot longer if they hadn’t gotten the videos.”

“Look, there’s probably nothing to worry about here, we just-”

The door opened and Bonnie ran in, followed by Brian, who looked as angry as Nick felt. “Alright, let’s not pretend that I haven’t heard anything y’all were discussing just now,” He seethed, “Cause you know, as it turns out, these walls are actually pretty thin.”

Kevin closed his eyes and sighed, “What did you hear.”

“I want the truth,” Brian said, looking directly at his cousin, “What videos? How _did_ you guys find me?”


	13. A Dreadful Feeling

 

Bonnie could barely keep up with Brian as they were on their way to exit the building. That said a lot, considering he had only two legs, and she had four. He was unbelievably angry, that much the Brown Border collie could tell. Which was why it was probably better to actually keep a bit of distance. Bonnie didn’t understand what exactly had happened to get her owner in such a state, she just remembered a lot of yelling and then they just left. She didn’t like it when Brian was angry, and it seemed to happen a lot more frequent lately.

“Brian, Brian, wait!” Nick’s voice rang down the hallway.

Brian didn’t stop his fast pace one bit and just continued walking with his head down, his hands wrapped around the leash so that Bonnie had no choice but to be dragged along with him.

“Bri, let’s just talk about this like normal people!”

Brian swirled around so fast that Bonnie fell over the leash from the sudden change of direction. He pointed his finger angrily in Nick’s direction, “I hope you’re joking,” was all he said before turning around again and walking around the corner.

“Look, we wanted to tell you, okay, it’s just...”

“You had over a year, Nickolas,” Brian yelled without looking back. “And I suppose if I hadn’t overheard you guys just now, I still wouldn’t have known.”

“It’s been a difficult time for everybody-”

“Good thing I managed to block out half of it then, huh?” Brian turned around again and this time Bonnie had anticipated their change of direction and didn’t fall. “But here you guys are, and y’all apparently know exactly what happened to me, because y’all have gotten front row seats to the show.” There were tears in his voice now and Bonnie looked up at him in concern.

“Look, we never asked for those videos, okay? Those were the most fucked up thing I have ever seen, nobody wanted that.” Nick finally caught up to them, panting slightly. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you, alright? We just... you were doing so well, you didn’t need to know.”

“Don’t you think that’s for me to decide?” Brian said, the tears now also visible in his eyes, “Don’t tell me that is was a difficult time for everybody, okay? Because watching someone get torn to pieces on a video is a bit different than actually getting torn to pieces.”

“That’s not what I was trying to say,” Nick said dejectedly.

“Give them to me,” Brian replied, his jaw set.

“Brian, no,” Nick said softly and Bonnie sensed the fear in his voice. “Trust me, I would give anything to not have seen those videos, some parts of it are still seared into my brain, man. You don’t wanna know, you really don’t.”

“I need to know what happened, Nick,” Brian said, his voice void of any emotion now, “I need to deal with those memories, or-”

“Can’t we just... move on?” Nick asked desperately, “Just leave it all behind?”

Brian bit his lip, but seemed determined, “I have to know, Nick,” he said softly.

“Well, I don’t have them,” Nick replied.

“Ugh, great,” Brian rolled his eyes and wanted to turn around again.

“AJ has copies of everything,” Nick interjected.

 

Bonnie didn’t understand why they weren’t just going home. She had been looking forward to dinner and laying beside the couch like always. Instead, she found herself in a car with Brian and Nick, going dog knows where. She didn’t recognize the streets at all and whined softly to let Brian know they were definitely going the wrong way. He just laid a hand on top of her head to shush her. He seemed nervous and tense and Bonnie figured it had something to do with where they were going and she didn’t like it one bit. Still, since abandoning her owner would go against everything she’d ever been trained to do, she stuck with it and wondered what was going to happen.

They got out on a random street, in front of a random house. No, not random, Bonnie thought, because she could smell a familiar scent in the air. It took a while to identify it, but then...

AJ!

Bonnie was extremely font of AJ, and she bounded forward to the driveway, taking Brian, who held a grip on her leash along with her. AJ opened the door even before they reached the porch. Bonnie started to circle him excitedly, panting and whining in joy as he bent down and took her head in his hands. “Very happy to see you too, Bon-Bon,” AJ laughed and ruffled her fur. Bonnie sat down promptly, waiting for the inevitable; and there it was, a godly smelling piece of bacon, dropped right in front of her. She munched it down hungrily.

So good.

“So, you guys sure about this?” AJ said uncertainly.

Brian gave a short nod, walking past him into the house. Bonnie followed him meekly, looking around.

_Woowoowoowoowooh._

The loud barking made her jump and she whirled around on her feet, sensing a shock travel through Brian as well. Two fat bulldogs came bounding into the hallway and Bonnie shrunk back, unsure of what to do.

“Peppy, Bogo, down,” AJ commanded sternly. Neither of the bulldogs paid him any mind. They circled Bonnie curiously, sniffing her and studying her tail. Bonnie stood up a little straighter to show them that she was unafraid of their thorough inspection. The female bulldog ran away across the hall, stopping after a few feet to look back and see if the other two dogs would follow her. Bonnie looked up at Brian questioningly. He nodded at her and clicked the leash from her collar.

“Off work,” he said absently.

Bonnie hesitated only a second before going after the female bulldog and was unsurprised to see the male one follow her. The pack was established. After only a few minutes, Bonnie decided that she liked both dogs. They were friendly and excitable, probably just a little bit older than her, and above all, they knew all the secret little places in the home where food was stored. And they were unafraid to share. After an hour, the three dogs had broken into the basement and were gnawing on some excellent bones that they’d found in one of the bags on the second shelf. Bonnie wondered if AJ was aware of his dogs’ ability to find all this stashed away food. But Bonnie also knew that bones were not human food, so AJ probably wouldn’t mind it that much.

And Bonnie had a lot of fun in the yard as well, where she and Peppy were teasing Bogo because he wouldn’t give up his spot on one of the weird looking statues near the pool. He’d made sure they knew it was his when he lifted his leg on it and Bonnie and Peppy found that so hilarious that they’d silently made a pact to do everything to chase Bogo off of his statue. The yard was an incredible place, Bonnie thought. It was smaller than hers at home, but it was filled with all these weird objects that seemed to be a dog’s paradise to play with. And Bonnie loved every second of it and she wondered why she and Brian didn’t come here all the time, because surely he must be having such a wonderful time as well in such a great place like this.

“Bonnie, Peppy, Bogo!” she heard AJ call when Bogo was just on the verge of giving up his statue. Bonnie narrowed her eyes and barked loudly at the lazy bulldog, who finally jumped off of his throne in shock. AJ called again, and Bonnie didn’t hesitate before taking off and running towards the house, with the two bulldogs on her heels, albeit a lot slower than her. She jumped up at AJ in the hallway, a thing she knew she wasn’t supposed to do, but she couldn’t help herself this time. She had to let him know that she thought his house and his dogs were absolutely wonderful and that every dog in the world should have to experience it just once. She wanted to lick his face in gratitude, but sat down immediately when he looked at her, knowing there might be bacon if she behaved.

There was something about his face; that much Bonnie remembered.

And he didn’t give her bacon; he didn’t give her anything. He just told her to ‘stay’ and then he left into one of the rooms, which Bonnie found odd, because why call a dog over when you didn’t want or have anything for them? But she was a good dog, and she didn’t have to wait long before AJ returned with Brian and Nick, and suddenly Bonnie could identify the look she’d seen on AJs face.

She whimpered with the feeling of pure dread that settled deep within her and shrunk back when she saw the sheer look on her owner’s face. He did nothing to acknowledge her, his face white as a sheet and his eyes absently staring into the hallway and Bonnie was almost sure he wasn’t actually aware of anything that was happening. Bonnie whined again in fear, then looked past him at Nick, whose face was a mask of pure sorrow.

It was all his fault; Bonnie was sure of it.

And Bonnie was not a violent or aggressive dog by any standards; she was well trained -better than most dogs- and she knew how to behave around people. But a dog’s gotta do what a dog’s gotta do and there was something so entirely wrong about this situation that Bonnie had no other choice. She growled menacingly at Nick and he looked at her weirdly. And when Brian didn’t do anything to tell her to stop, she knew enough.

It was all his fault.

She lunged at him, her teeth bared and caught his hand in her jaw. She didn’t bite down; of course not. It was just a warning, after all. Nick jumped back in terror, howling in pain and wrenching his hand from her mouth. Bonnie tasted blood and Nick clutched his hand, staring at her in shock.

“For fuck’s sake, Bonnie!” AJ yelled, grabbing her by her collar and yanking her backwards, probably afraid she was going to attack again. Humans didn’t often seem to understand what warnings meant.

“It’s fine, it’s not her fault,” Nick mumbled sadly, still clutching his hand, blood slowly dripping to the stone floor.

“You’re fucking bleeding,” AJ said, not letting go of Bonnie’s collar yet.

And Brian did nothing.

Bonnie whined miserably. She’d thought that punishing the probable cause of the ominous mood in the house would make Brian happy again, but it didn’t seem to affect him a single bit. He just kept staring; not even at them, but at some random spot on the wall. AJ let go finally and Bonnie shrunk back, still growling warningly at Nick.

“I’ll be fine,” Nick said curtly.

“Alright, alright; but we need to get that cut disinfected,” AJ sighed, “Did you get your shots?”

Nick shrugged absently, “This was such a bad idea. I should have stopped him.”

AJ nodded slowly, looking at Brian, “He would have found out eventually,” he mumbled, “I’ll get him home, and then we’re going to the doctor.”


	14. A Required Comeback

“He in the living room?” Doctor Mellory Phillips asked as she entered the big house. The wife nodded, obviously still in shock and pointed a finger to a door on the right.

“He hasn’t moved in over an hour,” she said, her voice trembling slightly.

Doctor Phillips didn’t usually do house visits, but since Alexander McLean had sounded fairly concerned on the phone and ensured her that this was an emergency, she thought she’d make an exception. She’d managed to get most of the story out of Alex about what happened and had had to do her best not to scowl him. She’d been able to predict this was what was going to happen if Brian watched those videos in an uncontrolled setting. It was way too much, way too soon and above all, it was without any professional supervision.

Mellory hesitated only a little before opening the door. The brown Border collie that was usually asleep in her office during their sessions was now right up in her face. The young dog seemed tense and was unwilling to let her go further into the room. It seemed her owner’s state affected his dog as well and Mellory smiled calmly, getting to her knees to seem smaller and less threatening.

“Listen,” she said softly to the dog, who was studying her unsurely, “I know you’re just trying to protect him, and that’s wonderful. Bonnie, was it?”

Bonnie cocked her head to the side when Mellory spoke her name, but still didn’t move out of the way. Mellory was well aware that Brian could hear her from his spot on the sofa, but was careful not to address him directly. Instead she slowly reached out a hand and held it in front of Bonnie’s face to sniff. Bonnie came closer to her and her nose wandered over Mellory’s hand. With a small smile, Mellory reached out and petted the dog’s head. “There you go, you’re a good dog, Bonnie.”

Bonnie sat down and looked at her questioningly, “We gotta fix him, you and I,” was what she seemed to want to say.

Mellory nodded swiftly, and stood up, “We’ll take good care of him, Bonnie,” she said lightly. As she expected, Bonnie did not protest when Mellory moved passed her and got closer to the couch. She’d seen Brian in a horrible state before, worse than this, actually. She’d seen him lash out at nurses and doctors and had seen him tremble with fear whenever somebody even came close to him.

He didn’t do that now.

He seemed to just have tuned out for a bit. Mellory suspected it was to process what he’d seen on the videos. He didn’t acknowledge her presence, or his dog’s and just stared with unfocused eyes ahead of him, blinking sluggishly every now and then. Leighanne had said he’d taken his medication this morning, so that was good, but Mellory doubted that he’d remembered to take it tonight. He was in shock.

Understandable.

Mellory Phillips had seen the videos. She’d had to. Most of them were blurry and unfocused and not much could be discerned when you watched them. But as the dates of the videos progressed, so did the quality. She’d been able to get through them all, but not without pausing them a few times. They were sickening and disgusting and some of the most disturbing things she’d ever watched. She’d imagined that it was probably worse for his friends, the ones that the videos had been intended for.

And now Brian had seen them too.

Brian, whose mind had purposely blocked out most of the experiences on the video tapes, who had had only vague recollections of his time spent in the basement in Minnesota, whose disturbed memories could only be accessed through intensive hypno therapy, which Mellory was very careful not to take too far.

And now he’d seen the videos.

Damnit.

“Brian, can you hear me?” She asked calmly, taking her place in one of the chairs across from him, not much unlike she’d do, were they in her office. “It’s alright, just take your time.”

Like she expected, he didn’t move, his eyes didn’t even respond to her voice. Mellory was afraid that this was something that he had to deal with by himself and she was harshly reminded of one of her other human-traffic patients, who’d been in a catatonic state for almost three years now.

“Would you like to talk about the videos?” Mellory asked after fifteen minutes and saw him move just a little bit. A flash of hurt went through his eyes as he looked up at her. He hesitated for a second, then shook his head and Mellory breathed in relief, glad to have him responsive again.

“Your dog’s very in tune with you,” Mellory smiled slightly, giving Bonnie a side glance, “I believe she’d do anything for you.”

“Bonnie’s a good dog,” Brian said slowly and Bonnie wagged her tail slightly at the mention of her name and being a good dog.

“I can tell she is,” Mellory said friendly, “How old is she now?”

“Almost two,” Brian said, his face softening a bit when he talked about his dog.

“Very well,” Mellory said, “I bet you were shocked when she bit Nick, weren’t you?”

Brian frowned and turned his gaze towards his dog slowly, “Did she bite Nick?”

“Yes, Alex told me she did,” Mellory said calmly.

Brian shook his head in confusion, “No. I would know.”

“It’s okay,” Mellory assured him, “Do you remember why you were at Alex’ house?”

Brian’s frown grew deeper, doubtlessly recalling that afternoon, “I was... we were...” he said, his breathing speeding up and the panic evident in his voice.

“It’s alright, we can just take this slow,” Mellory said in a soothing tone. Brian’s distress was unsurprising, “Just take a deep breath.”

Brian obeyed meekly, his eyes full of trust and for the first time since she’d seen him, he seemed younger than his 27 years. He looked at her expectantly, but didn’t say anything.

“Is Thomas here with us at the moment?” Mellory asked.

Brian’s eyes shifted to a spot next to her, and he nodded stiffly, shrinking back slightly on the couch. “He’s always here,” he said quietly.

Mellory nodded back, “I see; was he there when you were watching those videos?”

Brian visibly recoiled and shook his head, “No,” he whispered, almost inaudibly.

“Nick and AJ were there, weren’t they?” Mellory said, trying to get the picture as clear as possible.

Brian seemed to think about that for a moment, “I don’t remember,” he said with a shrug.

“Do you remember what the videos were about?” Mellory asked carefully, hoping she hadn’t just pushed him into a corner.

Brian’s jaw stiffened and his gaze hardened, “I don’t think so.”

He was lying, Mellory could tell. She leaned forward a bit, “Did they make you remember?”

He looked straight at her and shook his head, “It seemed so unreal,” he said, “Like it was someone else. I... I couldn’t really see anything.” Mellory nodded, a bit relieved. It seemed like he hadn’t gotten to the really disturbing stuff in the later videos before Nick and AJ had interfered.

“I remember his voice though,” Brian whispered and the words almost seemed to physically hurt him. “I can hear it talking over and over and over. And I can’t shut it down. What am I supposed to do?”

Mellory’s heart ached for him as he stared at her helplessly, “It’s your mind playing a trick on you, Brian,” was all that she could say and he scoffed, disheartened.

“I’m really screwed up, aren’t I?” he asked.

“The fact that you are willing to talk about this is a very good sign,” Mellory assured him. “It’s not too late for anything.”

“I don’t want to remember,” he said fearfully, “but I feel like I can’t stop it. There’s these things, these little moments... I just... I can’t stop it.”

“That’s completely normal,” Mellory said quickly, “This is the way your mind is trying to cope with what happened, just a little bit at a time. But I would advise you to not watch anymore of those videos for a while. Because they can trigger all sorts of nasty reactions.”

Brian nodded, “I don’t know what I was thinking. I was just so angry that they’d kept this from me.”

Mellory understood; although she was the one that had told the group to keep the videos hidden from Brian’s knowledge. In fact, she’d advised them to keep all of technical and legal information about the kidnapping from Brian’s knowledge. The story needed to be told in a controlled and careful setting, but today she found out that she couldn’t influence all of it.

His wife was still waiting outside when Mellory came out of the room two hours later. She looked at her questioningly and Mellory nodded reassuringly. A wave of relief seemed to wash over Leighanne’s face.

“Keep a good eye on him though,” Mellory told her and she nodded.

“Of course I will,” she said, “Thank you, doctor.”


	15. A Breaking Point

 

It was late. Impossibly late. And Brian had made sure that nobody else in the house was awake at the time he sat down in the living room. Except for him and Bonnie, nobody else would need to know what was going on here.

Shaking with anticipation, he curled his fingers in Bonnie’s fur. The dog lay on his lap with her front legs, pressing her face into his chest reassuringly. He’d found that at this point, she was as dependent on him as he was on her. Their bond had strengthened tremendously over the past few weeks and the Border collie had soon become a source of comfort and trust, more so than Brian had found in a human being.

He took a deep breath, almost squeezing the remote to a pulp in his hand. And he knew he shouldn’t do it. He knew he’d been warned against doing this by mostly everybody. And he wouldn’t have. Not if he’d just been able to sleep tonight. Not if there wasn’t this tiny hint of curiosity gnawing at the back of his thoughts.

Not if Thomas would should up about it for even a second.

But the young man was almost giddy with excitement, which Brian knew he should find disturbing, but he didn’t. Thomas had his legs crossed and sat next to him on the sofa, intently staring at the TV screen, waiting for the static to change into actual footage.

And AJ had no idea. AJ trusted him. AJ had actually thought that Brian had really tuned out after what they’d watched that afternoon. AJ had almost panicked, but kept it together as he’d shut down the TV and announced they’d seen enough. And that had been Brian’s intention, actually. Because he knew he shouldn’t watch those last couple of videos with Nick and AJ watching over his shoulder. He knew that he should watch those alone.

And Thomas knew it too.

So he’d faked his meltdown, and poor AJ had had no idea that Brian had stolen the last tapes from the cabinet. Because you didn’t suspect a seemingly in shock person to steal from you.

And Brian was sorry, he truly was, but he really needed to do this.

And he was scared, so scared. He felt himself shaking and Bonnie whined softly as she looked up at him. He tightened his grip on the long fur of her neck and pressed play. The image on the TV was grainy and Brian had a hard time making out the figure on the chair. The camera circled the huddled man sitting there and Brian felt a shiver run down his spine.

“ _That’s you,_ ” Thomas whispered in confirmation.

Brian nodded slowly; the room around him seemed to slowly disappear and all he could see was the slumped figure on the chair. It was real. So real. Had it ever been so real? He couldn’t breathe or think, just watch as the camera slowly zoomed in and he heard a laugh. The man in the chair seemed unconscious, but somehow, Brian knew he was just pretending. The pain would be less noticeable that way.

“ _Remember what he did to you?_ ” Thomas whispered right beside him, “ _Remember what he did to us?_ ”

The camera was finally still and focused on the man’s shaking legs and arms. A set of other arms appeared and grabbed the man’s hands.

“ _What are their names?_ ” Thomas whispered in Brian’s ear, “ _This one goes out to your friends._ ”

And the memories came flooding down and Brian gasped for breath. He saw the monster take one of his fingers and felt it snap, felt the pain shoot through his hand, his arm, his whole body as his finger started to throb in earnest. “ _What are their names?_ ” the monster screamed and Brian sobbed in confusion, because he didn’t know.

The monster took a second finger in his hand and Brian remembered begging him to stop, to let him think, but before he could get another word out, that finger snapped too and Brian screamed in pain, tears streaming down his cheeks as he writhed in the chair, trying to get away from the pain, from the monster, from that horrible place.

And the tape may have ended there, but Brian knew what happened after. He knew the torment was far from over. He remembered knives, and vicious kicks and utter humiliation as the monster used him in whatever way it pleased. And Brian remembered the dirty, unspeakable acts the monster bestowed upon him and the way it made him feel unclean and pathetic. And he remembered being forced to watch as Thomas had gotten the same treatment. He remembered being forced to...

“I don’t blame you, Brian,” Thomas said softly, still next to him, his face bruised and his body beaten. “You had no choice. Remember what he said to you?”

“ _If you don’t, I’ll kill him,_ ” Brian whispered brokenly.

Thomas nodded calmly, “We were in there together,” he said, “We shared the same fate. But you were his favorite.”

 _“I would never kill you, dear, you’re my favorite,”_ Brian repeated, mesmerized. He felt lightheaded as the memories kept flooding through and he was unable to stop them. They attacked him, leaving deep, open tears in his mind and soul, bleeding and festering as they went. He grabbed his head, hearing a deep, anguished, wailing cry and only realizing much later that it was his own voice. Vaguely, he heard a panicked bark, saw Bonnie’s eyes, close to his, felt her tongue desperately licking his face, but he couldn’t find the comfort in her that he needed. He heard voices, not sure if they were real or not and screamed again, his head buried in his hands.

And he awoke alone, in a sweat, from an unknown nightmare in the dark. No.

Not alone.

Bonnie was still there.

And he knew he’d had a seizure from the way his head was pounding and his mind felt jumbled. And he wondered if anyone had heard Bonnie’s barks and knew that he’d watched the videos. He wondered if his wife had woken up and found him. But he couldn’t see her, even though he yearned for her touch, for her soothing words, her warming presence. He closed his eyes, counting to ten.

And she wasn’t there.


	16. A Fast Decline

Something had fundamentally changed, Leighanne knew, although she couldn’t exactly tell why or how or even what had changed.

His eyes were different.

And she couldn’t put her finger on it, but it scared her to her very core. There were things that seemed very off about him; even more than usual. He didn’t talk much anymore, went on long walks with his dog, and she now always found herself wake up alone in the morning, with her husband nowhere in sight.

And Leighanne became scared.

Not necessarily of him, but of what was happening to him. She’d noticed that the pills he was supposed to take were still lying untouched in the bathroom and when she confronted him about that, he’d just shrugged, claiming that he felt so much better and didn’t need them anymore.

He said he finally could think clearly now, that he didn’t take those damn drugs. And Leighanne had told him in no uncertain terms that she was going to call the hospital if he refused to take them and he’d become angry and said she didn’t know what she was talking about, and how could she ever understand? How could she know what it felt like?

He was getting better, he promised, finally, he said.

And she believed it was quite the opposite. Cause he seemed so agitated and riled up. He’d snap at everything; her, his dog, his friends. He’d say he was fine and that they should worry about their own business and one night, she’d grabbed his wrists and begged him, with tears streaming down her face to please, please listen to her and stop this nonsense.

And he listened.

And he cried too. But he still didn’t tell her what had happened. And Leighanne felt him pulling away from her and from everybody. His agony was clear, his nightmares vivid and extreme and Leighanne felt helpless, watching from a distance how he seemed to wither away, depression taking a tight hold of him and not letting go no matter what. His mind slipped into a frantic state, his answers typically short and his eyes always on watch.

And one night, she awoke with a start, the place next to her as empty as ever. She’d heard the kitchen drawer close with a slam and her heart was pounding in her chest. Before she knew what she was doing, she was on her feet, and felt like she was floating down the stairs in a haze, a surreal sort of nightmare that had her heart racing and fear clamping down on her throat.

“Oh no,” she whimpered when the strong scent of alcohol hit her nose. She started to sob, almost unable to breathe as she slowly and reluctantly got closer to the kitchen.

“Please...” she whispered, opening the door tentatively.

His shirt was lying in a heap on the kitchen floor, carelessly thrown away and her eyes travelled further towards his huddled form sitting against the counter cabinets on the floor, a half-empty bottle of wodka in one hand and a glinting kitchen knife in the other.

She gasped, fear threatening to suffocate her, but she rushed towards him nevertheless. He seemed totally unaware of her presence, his head between his knees and his breathing coming in quick gasps.

“No no no no,” Leighanne cried, taking his face in her hands. His eyes were dazed with the drunken stupor she could also smell on his breath. A shock travelled through him at the sound of her voice and he scrambled back into the counter. The knife fell out of his fingers and after a quick inspection, Leighanne breathed again when she didn’t find any damage that was done with the blade. He was shaking violently, his upper body completely bare and Leighanne felt her stomach turn when she looked at all the scars that were scattered on his whole body.

“I-I’m sorry,” he choked, his eyes wild and his voice hoarse and gruff.

She took his head in her hands and pulled him close, holding him so tightly that she wondered if she could ever let him go. He cried in her embrace, long, anguished wails that were frightening her more than anything ever could. She kept silent as she held him as he cried Thomas’ name over and over again and she knew.

He remembered everything.


	17. A Beautiful Lie

“It hurts so much, doesn’t it?” Thomas voice was ever so clear as he looked him in the face, “What would you give now to not remember?”

Brian looked at him, trying not to focus on the pain, but failing miserably. The pills in his hands were smaller than he remembered, but he didn’t care. He was supposed to take them, he’d promised Leighanne he would. But they would make everything so much worse. They’d make him dizzy and defenseless and he would be alone with his thoughts that tormented him in every way possible.

They would.

Thomas said so.

“Did you ever tell anyone about those dreams?” Thomas wanted to know and Brian felt his throat starting to close up as he shook his head.

“It’s best they don’t know,” he whispered, letting the pills slowly fall from his hands into the sink. He watched, mesmerized, as the water took them down the drain, never to be seen again. He heard the muffled sounds of Bonnie’s nails scratching away at the door. The dog was frantic, doubtlessly sensing something entirely bad was happening. Brian smiled, watching the figure in the mirror do the same. The man’s hair was darker than Brian remembered, and his gaze was intense and unblinking, his blue eyes staring him down as he stared back. Brian couldn’t recognize him.

“You know they deserve it,” Thomas sneered close to his face and Brian gasped, taking a step back.

“What are you talking about?” he said.

“Your dreams, Brian,” Thomas smiled, circling him, his feet soundlessly padding the floor. “It’s so unfair, isn’t it?”

“No,” Brian mumbled, his back now pressing into the sink as Thomas loomed over him.

“Oh, come on!” Thomas yelled now, throwing his hands up in frustration, “Why should they be free from suffering when you go through it every single moment of every single day?”

“Shut up,” Brian said, but knew he sounded pathetic.

“You remember those dreams, don’t you?” Thomas taunted, “You remember how good it felt? How right?”

Brian clasped his hands together, stumbling to the toilet and sitting down as he clenched his eyes shut. _Please, please God, let it stop. Please make it stop. I don’t want this. I can’t take this. Please._

“Has God ever really listened to you?” Thomas sneered, “I’m as real as he is, and yet I am here, I’m the one you can talk to.”

 “No,” Brian whimpered, his eyes still closed as he continued to mumble in prayer.

“Remember when that monster got really creative and shoved that pipe up-”

Brian’s hands were around Thomas’ throat before he knew it. It felt so real, Thomas was as alive as he was, and still, Brian squeezed down on him. They fell to the floor, Thomas landing on his back and Brian jumped on top of him, his fingers still around the dark man’s throat. Thomas struggled, his hands clasping Brian’s and his feet scraping on the floor. “You can never escape, Brian,” he choked out between wheezing gasps. “I was his victim. You were his prize. He would never let you go. It’s all a lie.”

Brian let go and stumbled back, shaking all over. Thomas quickly got to his feet, like nothing ever happened. “I’m dead, Brian,” he reminded him, “I can never suffer again like you did. Like you do.”

“ _What are their names_?” Brian whispered, barely aware of his dog’s cries outside of the door.

“Remember what you did to her in your dreams?” Thomas smiled reassuringly and Brian saw a glinting knife in his grasp.

Brian nodded slowly, his hands turning into fists. “She deserved it.”

Thomas shook his head, “No,” he said, “No, she didn’t.”

Brian looked at him questioningly.

“But neither did we.”


	18. A Horrendous Consequence

Leighanne remembered not being able to sleep that night. Like she could sense that something horrendous was about to happen. She was alone in her bed... no... their bed, and the baby was kicking with abandon. It was like the infant was trying to keep her awake, trying to warn her, she would later say.

She could hear him downstairs. Heard doors slam, heard him mumble and stumble around the house. She’d wondered if wodka was involved tonight, if she’d find him crying on the kitchen floor again. Tomorrow, she’d vowed, she’d call the hospital. He’d hate her for it, she knew, but he needed help. More help than she could give him. More help than doctor Phillips could give him even. For almost a week, she’d been careful not to get in his way, very aware that he hadn’t taken his medication for a while now. He was agitated and jumpy and mumbled in himself a lot. None of his words made much sense and Leighanne felt her heart ache for him. He’d shut himself off and didn’t talk to her or to anyone at all.

And Leighanne was afraid of him.

She didn’t exactly know why, but something told her that it was better to stay away from him. Yes. She’d call the hospital tomorrow, she promised herself. It was best for everybody.

She lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling when she heard someone coming in. Bonnie jumped on the bed, frantically turning in circles a few times before jumping off, running around the bed and jumping back on, repeating the process.

“Bon, wha-?” Leighanne frowned, but the dog didn’t pay her any mind. Bonnie panted heavily, her tongue hanging out of her mouth and saliva dripping on the sheets as she went on with her routine.

“Bonnie, hey, hey,” Leighanne said, trying to grab the dog.

Bonnie swirled around, baring her teeth as she growled at her and Leighanne shrunk back. “It’s okay, Bon,” Leighanne said softly, trying not to let the fear shine through in her demeanor, “We’re gonna fix him, you and I.”

Bonnie didn’t listen, just kept turning in circles in that frantic, and insanely measured way. “I’ll call the hospital tomorrow, Bonnie,” Leighanne continued nevertheless, “He’ll be away for a bit, but it’ll make him better.”

Bonnie grumbled in frustration and Leighanne felt helpless as she watched a drop of blood fall from the dog’s mouth, where Bonnie had definitely bitten her own tongue in distress. Whatever was going on with the Border collie, it had something to do with the stumbling Leighanne could hear downstairs. A loud crash that came from the hallway startled them both and Bonnie cried in fear as Leighanne covered her mouth. “Oh God, Brian,” Leighanne whispered, “How did we come to this?”

Bonnie started barking in short, howling sounds, and Leighanne recognized it as a seizure alert, but still, she didn’t move. It didn’t make sense, none of it did. Bonnie jumped off the bed and disappeared through the door. After a few minutes, Leighanne dared to move again when all the noise downstairs had died down. Carefully, with her heart pounding in her throat, she grasped the phone on the nightstand in her fingers and hit the speeddial.

“What?” Nick’s angry tone came over the line and Leighanne’s heart clenched when she realized it was 3.30 am.

“I need some help,” she rushed into the phone, clinging it to her ear and silently trying to detect any sounds coming from downstairs.

“Leighanne?” Nick sounded tired.

“He’s... he’s bad, Nick. It’s really bad. I don’t know what’s going on, but something is really wrong.”

“You’re sounding a bit vague,” Nick answered with a sigh.

“I know, I know!” Leighanne cried out, hearing another crash come from the kitchen now, “He’s rampaging downstairs, that’s all I know,” she rushed.

“Jesus,” was all Nick said.

Leighanne’s breath hitched in her throat when she heard Brian scream, and she dropped the phone. Bonnie was barking again and Leighanne decided it was finally time to not stand by passively. Brian was unpredictable, and completely out of his mind and she feared for Bonnie’s safety if the dog was determined to stay close to her owner.

She slipped downstairs carefully, trying to ignore the deja vu of doing the exact same thing just a few weeks prior. She opened the door to the kitchen, half expecting to find him huddled against the cupboards on the floor again.

But he wasn’t.

He had a knife though.

“No, Brian!” Leighanne rushed and he turned on his heels. His eyes were wild and bloodshot. His mouth twitched and his blue eyes bore into hers.

“I have to,” He managed to bring out, the knife tightly in his grasp, but his hand shaking.

“No, no, you don’t,” Leighanne said, staying a careful distance away from her husband and the knife. “Please put it away, Brian.”

“It never stops,” he cried in hacking, gasping breaths, “I need it to stop!”

“I know, I know, baby,” Leighanne said, taking a step closer to him. “It’s going to be okay, we’ll figure it out, alright? We always have.”

“No!” Brian screamed, and Leighanne gasped as she saw the bleeding, open wounds from where Brian had doubtlessly traced the old scars with the knife and she wondered if that was what would have happened those weeks ago if she hadn’t come into the kitchen when she had. This time though, she seemed far too late.

“Please Brian, just give me the knife,” Leighanne pleaded, reaching out a shaking hand to him. “You’re sick baby. It’s not your fault. We’ll get you help.”

“He’s going to kill me,” Brian whispered brokenly as he slowly lowered the knife.

“Nobody’s gonna kill you, Brian,” Leighanne replied with a sob, “I promise, okay?”

His whole body was shaking as his eyes settled on hers, “It will never stop,” he said solemnly and Leighanne frowned. “It hurts so much.” He sounded exhausted and his tone was final. Leighanne felt every little bit of her being crumble and without another thought, she rushed towards him and enveloped him in a tight embrace.

“Please,” she whispered, “Please don’t.”

“I don’t deserve this,” Brian said brokenly, looking at her, then at her belly. “He doesn’t deserve this.”

“Brian, no,” Leighanne said slowly, apprehension slowly growing in her mind.

Later, Leighanne couldn’t exactly tell how long it took. She remembered the knife entering her stomach, and then, before she knew it, she was on the ground, bleeding and gasping. She’d heard Bonnie’s continuous barks getting dimmer and dimmer and Brian’s footsteps leaving the kitchen. He looked back only once. And Leighanne recognized nothing of her Brian.

Because this wasn’t her Brian.

This was a monster.


	19. A Hopeless Flight

Bonnie was panting in the rain, running alongside her owner over the road going dog knows where. Something terrible had happened this night, and although Bonnie couldn’t begin to understand what it meant, she’d been able to sense the pain and sorrow in both her humans tonight. Brian’s was like a neon sign, glowing vividly in the dark and Bonnie had felt absolutely terrible. She’d tried to warn his mate, but Leighanne hadn’t understood. Had only tried to soothe Bonnie and Bonnie had become angry, because how could she not understand?

And then...

Then she’d gone downstairs, fairly certain that Brian had had a seizure. But she was wrong. Which was astonishing, really, because Bonnie had never been wrong before. She could usually smell it if there was something changing in the chemical balance in his head and she’d been absolutely certain tonight. But when she came downstairs, Brian was not on the ground. He wasn’t convulsing violently and writhing on the kitchen floor. He was just standing there. His eyes were scary, that much Bonnie could tell.

She’d growled at the knife in his hand and had cried in fear as he’d pressed it to his skin, drawing blood from the deep gash he’d left there. He hadn’t seemed to notice she was there with him and had just continued hurting himself with the knife and Bonnie couldn’t possibly understand why he would do such a thing. She barked at him, roughly and loudly, anything to try and snap him out of it. But he wouldn’t, no matter what Bonnie tried.

And then his mate had come downstairs, and Bonnie had watched as the two of them had slowly inched closer to one another. And Bonnie had been happy that Leighanne at least seemed to be able to do what Bonnie couldn’t. They talked in suffocated voices and Brian had stopped hurting himself and listened to his wife. He still smelled like he was going to have a seizure though, and Bonnie was very confused. Then Leighanne had wrapped her arms around her mate, sobbing and pleading and Brian had talked to her in a strange tone that Bonnie didn’t recognize.

Then Bonnie had started barking again when Leighanne had slowly sunk to her knees, the knife in Brian’s hands dripping more blood. He’d turned around and had grabbed Bonnie’s collar and Bonnie had snapped at him angrily, but had no choice but to follow.

And now they were outside, in the dark, in the rain. And all Bonnie wanted to do was curl up and sleep, but Brian kept running, so she ran with him. She didn’t know where they were going and whined when she felt the water stream down her nose and her face. She was completely soaked, and she could tell Brian was as well. And somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew she could just stop running. She wasn’t on the leash, she could just stop, turn around and go back home. But home was a terrible place and Bonnie wasn’t sure if she ever wanted to go back there. And she couldn’t help herself but follow the one thing left that was familiar to her in this unknown place.

It took very long before they stopped and Bonnie was shaking on her legs, coughing as the rain and the cold had soaked her very being. They were in the middle of a country road, with nothing in sight but the glaring, single streetlight right above them. Brian had his hands on his knees, doubled over and wheezing with every single breath he took.

Bonnie whimpered almost inaudibly, looking at the knife that was still in his grasp. Brian looked at her and she shrunk back in fear.

She should run away.

But she didn’t.

She barked at him in frustration, not knowing what else to do. He shook his head, then looked at the knife in his hand. With a loud gasp, he threw it on the ground and stumbled backwards. Bonnie heard him cry out as he grabbed his head and sank to his knees.

“Thomas!” he screamed and Bonnie flinched further away from him.

“Thommy,” he cried out, his face twisting and his hands falling to his laps. His shoulders started to shake and Bonnie was unsure of what to do. What did he want from her? Was she on the job? What was going on?

She whined softly and Brian took his hands away from his face. “Oh God, Bonnie,” he said, “What happened?”

Bonnie cocked her head to the side; inching a bit closer as she saw the darkness disappear from his eyes. Brian curled his fingers in the fur on her neck, like he always did and Bonnie sighed with a bit of relief. He wasn’t angry anymore, she figured. He wasn’t going to hurt her or his mate anymore.

They could go home now.

But Brian didn’t go home. Instead they slowly walked along the empty road and Bonnie noticed Brian stumbling with every step. He was still bleeding, she saw and his lips were slowly turning blue from the cold. But Bonnie stayed beside him, not knowing what else she could do but keep walking. It was almost light when they arrived at the abandoned shed and Brian collapsed on a small pile of hay. Bonnie curled up next to him, wet and miserable and the last thing she noticed before she drifted off to a restless sleep was Brian’s eyes, staring wide-open into the empty distance.


	20. A Foretold Tragedy

Nick wasn’t sure what made him grab the car keys and drive to Brian’s place at 4 am in the middle of that night, but God, was he glad he had now. He’d arrived, not sure what to expect after Leighanne’s vague phone call. All he knew is that she’d needed help, presumably with Brian. Nick had been very unsure about Brian lately. The older man had seemed manic at points, and Nick had decided to give his friend some space if he needed to figure things out. He’d assured AJ that they’d never should have let Brian watch those videos, no matter how much Brian had ensured them that it was what he needed.

Cause he’d been wrong, so, so wrong.

Nick knew that now, he’d known it then too. AJ had called about two days after they’d watched it with Brian. He’d said that the tapes of the last videos were missing and Nick had known. He’d known their little plan of discouraging Brian had backfired tremendously. There was only one person after all who could and would have stolen those tapes. And Nick had raced to Brian’s house head over heels after AJ’s frantic discovery, but Brian had just looked at him coldly and said he had no idea what he was talking about. Nick had been told to fuck off and mind his own business and that should have sent the red flags flaring in Nick’s mind, but it hadn’t. And Nick was sorry for that now. He’d just thought Brian probably needed some space to deal with it on his own terms, and Nick fully intended to give him that space.

And then Leighanne called a few weeks later. And from her jumbled words into the phone the only thing Nick could really discern was that Brian’s condition was infinitely worse than anyone could have hoped for. And Nick had raced to Brian’s house for a second time, half expecting Brian to open the door and tell him to fuck off again. But there’s was no Brian anywhere in the house.

There was blood on the floor though.

And Nick had felt the hairs on his skin standing straight up. The house was quiet and the front door was wide open. And although every fiber in Nick’s being had told him to flee, Nick had entered the house carefully, trying not to pay attention on the smears of blood that coated the door frame. A trail of blood led to the kitchen and Nick had bitten his lip, sure that he was too late. Tragedy had struck this place, and Nick had done nothing to prevent it.

Leighanne was in the kitchen.

And she was gasping and bleeding and crying and Nick had fallen to his knees beside her. His eyes had scanned her body and had rested on the deep gash in her belly. Blood had soaked the entire under half of her nightgown and Nick had desperately pressed his hands on the stab wound, praying that it would help.

Leighanne had cried in pain, trying to get away from him and Nick had attempted some soothing words in between his own sobs. The injured woman kept saying Brian’s name and Nick had wished she’d just shut up, because he didn’t need Leighanne’s blood filled gasps to know who had done this to her.

And his world had fallen apart.

The ambulance arrived quickly and the ride to the hospital was even quicker. Leighanne had grasped his hand, her face grey and ashen and she’d seemed hardly conscious when she begged him to find Brian. And to save her baby.

Like Nick could do that.

Like there was anything in his power to make this situation better. The doctors had asked him all sorts of urgent questions. How far along was she? Did he know her blood type? Was there anyone they could call? He’d given them a helpless shake of his head, indicating that he had no answers. It took two hours before her parents arrived and even then, Leighanne was still in surgery. Nick had just sat in the waiting room, lost and forlorn, not knowing how to move on.

He had so many questions.

Because the last thing he’d ever expected Brian to do was hurt his family. But that was the Brian he knew, the Brian he remembered.

And Nick wondered where he’d gone. How long he’d been gone. And if he would ever come back.


	21. An Unforgivable Offense

Brian couldn’t see much of anything. The darkness in the forest was deep and foreboding. It felt kind of good. He didn’t know anymore; stumbling, exhausted. He could feel every single cut on his body burning and throbbing, but wasn’t paying attention to it. Thomas was running ahead, Bonnie was running behind, and Brian had no choice but to keep running. Thomas was shouting and crying and he just _kept_ talking.

And eventually, there came a point where he couldn’t keep running anymore. His lungs were burning, his legs shaking and his head spinning. He didn’t know if he fell or just stopped, but suddenly, he was on the ground, and Thomas was standing over him, impatient.

“What are you doing?” the young man asked him, panic seeping through every word, “We have to go!”

Brian just shook his head, drawing his knees to his chest and wrapping his bloodied arms around them. He could hear Bonnie panting next to him, doubtlessly as exhausted as he was. She stayed a good ten feet away. She whined alarmingly a few times, but didn’t dare to interact in any other way. Putting his head on his knees, he listened to Thomas, who was frantically pacing in circles around him.

“Okay, okay, we can figure this out,” Thomas mumbled, “She deserved it, you know she did. She had to know what you’ve been through. She had to get a taste of what it’s like, right?”

Brian looked up at the uncertainty that was suddenly laced through Thomas’ voice. “I didn’t do it,” he said weakly.

“But you did!” Thomas said, laughing nervously, “You did! And you had every right to! She had to know! They all have to know! It’s not good to keep it inside!”

“No,” Brian shook his head again, the forest spinning around him, “No, I didn’t do it. I would never.”

“Where’s the knife?” Thomas asked.

“There was no knife,” Brian said, not looking at the younger man.

“If they find the knife, they’ll find you,” Thomas said, his words jumbling together with the tempo of his speech.

“I didn’t do nothing!” Brian cried out, eliciting a nervous bark from Bonnie, who was still awkwardly standing and watching from a distance.

“You could have killed her,” Thomas grunted, grabbing him by the arm, “Her and the baby, _your baby._ ”

“No,” Brian sobbed, tears rolling down his face now, “No, it didn’t happen.”

Thomas let him go, releasing a frustrated groan, “We have to keep going.”

“I don’t think I can,” Brian muttered wearily.

“You understand we’re in huge trouble, right?” Thomas said, then knelt down “Let me see, how bad are you hurt?”

 “I dunno,” Brian replied, his words slurring together, “Just leave me alone.”

“ _Shit,_ ” Thomas moaned, dragging a hand through his short, black hair. Then he started pacing again, “Alright, alright. We’ll figure this out. I think we got a good distance from the house, it should take a while for anybody to find us. We can rest up for a couple of minutes. Jesus, man, you are covered in blood. You’re lucky nobody saw you last night. Although, then again, I would stay the fuck away if I saw a madman running head over heels over the road.”

Brian shivered, “Would you just shut up?” he said, miserably.

“I’m the only one thinking clearly here,” Thomas replied, “What are we gonna do next, huh? Are you just gonna lay down and roll up and die?”

Brian shrugged, returning his attention to his knees. “I don’t know what to do. I mean, I can’t go back. I can never go back.”

And that thought was maybe scarier than anything he’d ever come across. When he’d been locked in the basement, for weeks, months, he’d dreamt of going home. He’d seen himself embracing his wife and never letting her go. He’d be fine, if only she was there. And now...

“What did I do?” he mumbled.

Thomas nodded slightly, sitting down next to him. “We’ll just have to come up with something.”

“Thommy?” Brian said, looking up finally to meet the younger man’s eyes, “What have I done?”

“You stabbed her, Brian,” Thomas said, no emotion showing on his face whatsoever, “The thing you dreamt about for months. The thing that felt more right than anything else in the entire world. You did it, Bri.”

“No,” Brian breathed, “No, why?”

“You know why.”

“I’m a monster.”


	22. A Leader of Men

Bonnie sniffed his hand, confused. She’d done her job perfectly, but nobody came. And Bonnie had kept barking after Brian went still, for a long time, actually, but nobody came. And it was getting cold here in the forest, and to be very honest, Bonnie felt like panicking a little bit. Which wasn’t what she was supposed to do, she knew. It wasn’t what she’d been trained to do.

But she hadn’t been trained to be completely alone in a forest with an unconscious owner either.

So Bonnie looked around the dark forest. Maybe she should start barking again, maybe somebody would come to help. What else was she supposed to do in a situation like this? Nothing made sense at the moment? Why had everything changed all of a sudden? Where was Brian’s mate? And Tyke? Why were they in the forest? Bonnie didn’t like this forest at all. It smelled wet and rotten and the ominous sounds of the wind blowing through the trees made all the hair on her body rise. With a frightened squeal, Bonnie nudged her owner’s face; his hands; his side. Brian stirred slowly, his eyes empty and unfamiliar.

“Bonnie?” he whispered in confusion, “You’re still here,” he said, his fingers curling around her neck. Bonnie huffed at him, watching as his eyes rolled up and his grip slackened.

Bonnie took a step back, tilting her head. She sniffed him, looked at the deep cuts in his body and then took another few steps back. She knew she wasn’t supposed to leave. But she couldn’t stay either.

With a frustrated yelp, she turned and ran. She didn’t know where to go, the trees all looked the same and it was so dark. She felt her stomach growl with hunger and her muscles ached from exertion, but she couldn’t stop. Bonnie didn’t know how long she’d been running for before she heard them. It must have been a while, since she could see the sky getting lighter and lighter. Their voices were distant, but their laughs echoed through the lonely forest. Bonnie shrunk back, unsure of what to do. The wind was wrong, so she couldn’t smell them and couldn’t tell how many they were. She should just turn around and go back to Brian. She should.

But she didn’t.

With her tail tucked between her legs, she tried to make herself seem as small as possible as she presented herself to them. There were four of them, each one looking at her with a surprised expression on their faces.

“Damn, that’s a pretty dog,” one said, nudging his friend next to him.

“Whaddaya reckon she comes from?” the other one asked, studying Bonnie closely.

“Coulda been anywhere,” a woman said slowly, “Most likely ran away from a farm nearby.”

“One of those sheep dogs, see them all the time,” an old man said calmly, reaching out a hand for Bonnie to sniff. Too frightened, Bonnie shrunk back further, “Bobby, grab my rope from the duffle bag.”

“He has a collar, dad,” the first guy said, pointing at Bonnie.

The old man frowned, getting to his knees, “There’s no farms nearby, Evelyn,” he grunted, “And this definitely isn’t a stray. Say, where do you come from, boy?”

Bonnie looked at him, confused. She carefully inched closer and sniffed his hand, then licked his fingers in an attempt to show him some respect. She felt the rope slide around her neck and barked in confusion. Bonnie couldn’t see where it had come from, but it couldn’t happen. There were pressing matters to attend to as she remembered her owner lying unconscious somewhere in these woods. She barked again, pulling at the rope in anger, but the guy didn’t let go. “It’s okay, buddy,” he said, “We’re not trying to hurt you, buddy.”

Bonnie growled at him, because her name was not ‘buddy’ and he had no right to tie a rope around her neck. She nudged the older man that was still knelt next to her and barked urgently at him.

“Think we drop him off at the shelter when we get home, dad?” the woman mumbled.

“Maybe,” the old man answered, “If it’s not a stray, he should be chipped anyway. Dogs like these are expensive.”

Bonnie barked at him again, turning and pointing her face in the direction she’d come from. But they didn’t seem to understand. The old man got up and studied her thoughtfully, “There’s definitely something going on with him.”

Bonnie gave a sigh of frustration, sat down and tilted her head at him. Then she knew. Jumping up with renowned energy, she started barking in short howls and the saw the faces of the people change to confusion. Bonnie continued. She wasn’t an alert dog for nothing and her sounds echoed through the forest.

“Damn, wait a minute,” the old man said, realization slowly dawning on his face, “He’s trained to do this.”

Bonnie pulled at the rope again and the old man gave the other guy a signal. The rope fell to the floor and Bonnie sprinted to the nearest tree. Skidding to a stop, she turned to see if they would follow.

“Come on,” the guy that had held the rope said and the group began to move.

Excited, Bonnie led them through the forest, they were slower than she had anticipated and had trouble climbing the terrain of the forest. More than once she had to stop and bark in their direction in frustration before the reappeared again. It was a long time before Bonnie finally picked him up and began to move from her own to Brian’s scent. Behind her, the group swore and grumbled, but they kept following.

When she finally caught sight of him, he was still lying in the exact same spot she’d left him in. He was paler though and when she pressed her nose against his hand she was startled at how cold he’d become. Behind her, the group slowly came up the hill. She turned, looking at them expectantly, but they had stopped and didn’t move. She saw shock on their faces and she trotted towards them to try and make them follow her again. She panted as she sat down, looking at Brian, then looking at the group again. They slowly got closer and Bonnie felt a surge of pride going through her.

She’d done her job perfectly.


	23. A Disturbing Outcome

 

She remembered a feeling like she was floating. Minutes, hours, days, years, eternities, she couldn’t tell. But when she came back, she was empty. Something was missing, but she didn’t know what. There were voices around her, soft hands and touches on her body and she tried to move, but it was hard, so hard. The longer she waited, the more aware she became. Someone was crying beside her in long, shuddering wails and it scared her to her very core. Their hands shook as they clutched hers and she wanted to tell them to stop it, but she couldn’t make a sound. It was almost like she was swimming, sometimes going deeper, deeper, yet deeper still until she couldn’t hear anything anymore, other times lurking just below the surface, but never quite able to emerge.

Their voices were usually soft and subdued, sometimes they cried, sometimes they were silently holding her hand. She felt their loving touches and their reassuring hands, but there was one thing she didn’t feel. And it made her feel empty, so, so empty.

They were relieved when she finally did manage to wake up. She remembered the tears in her sister’s eyes, the solemn, but grateful expression in her mother’s. She saw the relieved smile on her father’s face and felt her brother grasp her hand. She felt like a child again as her family carefully hugged her one by one, giving her words of relief and encouragement. And for a long, long moment, Leighanne remembered nothing.

But then she looked at herself and the memories came flooding back. How she’d lain helpless on the kitchen floor, bleeding everywhere while clutching her belly in a useless attempt to stop the bleeding. She vaguely remembered a moment where Nick had come in, how he’d sobbed above her and pressed down on the cut where Brian’s knife had...

Brian’s knife?

No.

No, it couldn’t be.

He couldn’t have.

He would never.

And Leighanne screamed in horror when the empty feeling deep inside her slowly began to make sense. “No, please, no,” she moaned, because it wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. It was all a nightmare, surely. She’d heard about the strange dreams that pregnant women could have, and this was surely all just that. She was barely aware of her family’s hands and voices that tried to calm her. “Please,” she begged them, with tears streaming down her cheeks, “Please, no.”

“It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart,” her mother said, but Leighanne heard the deep sadness in her voice and her heart broke in a million pieces.

“My baby,” she whispered, her eyes still begging her mother to tell her what she wanted to hear. That her baby was alright, that everything was just a dream; that Brian was asleep next to her, that none of it had ever happened.

But her mother’s face crumbled into a mask of sorrow, “He’s-”

“No,” Leighanne said, shaking her head wildly, “No, don’t say it.”

“He’s so small,” her mother said in a smothered voice and Leighanne’s eyes widened.

“He’s alive?” Leighanne didn’t allow the wave of disbelief and relief to crash down on her yet.

“Only just,” her mothered whispered, “they don’t know if he’s gonna make it, but he’s a little fighter, Leigh, he’s been holding on for three days already.”

“Oh my God,” Leighanne sobbed.

And then the whole story came. About how the knife had barely missed the infant and how the blood-supply to the boy had been cut off instead. How the surgery had repaired the severe internal bleedings while also functioning as an emergency delivery at the same time. How the little boy had been hardly larger than the doctor’s hand and how he hadn’t cried at all. How his little head had turned blue and how they’d rushed him to the neonatal ICU and how he had been there ever since. How most doctors were skeptical about his chances because after all, Leighanne had been just over 27 weeks.

And Leighanne heard all this in a state of disbelief, and tried not to notice how her mother carefully avoided mentioning her daughter’s husband even once. Because it was beyond horrifying to even attempt to think about it. And as far as Leighanne was concerned right now, that knife that she remembered so vividly going inside her, had just come out of nowhere.

But after a few hours, it began to drive her insane. She wasn’t allowed to get out of bed and the thought of her son supposedly lying somewhere alone; fighting for his life was crushing all other thoughts from her mind. His condition remained critical and Leighanne couldn’t bear the possibility of losing him without having seen him even once.

So the next day she demanded, high and low, to be taken to him. And the nurses relented eventually, because presumably, they had a heart. And now she was here. And she’d never seen a human being so small. She watched, mesmerized by the rapid motion of his small chest going up and down with the fast hisses of the respirator. The small infant was packed with warm blankets and wires and tubes and monitors everywhere. But he was hers; and she was his. And she didn’t think she could ever move away from this spot and leave him to fight on his own again. Not even when her whole body started to ache and her belly was screaming for the morphine they’d been pumping into her. Her belly, where by all means, the little boy lying in the incubator should still be, and would be, if it hadn’t been for...

A stab of anger coursed through her body, but just as quick as it had come, it went away. And the worry grew. Her gloved hands stroked the tender baby skin softly, trying to make the small boy absorb some of her strength, to help him in any way possible. The baby with the few strands of blond hair squirmed a little and Leighanne released a repressed sob. His bones, lungs, organs and brain were quite underdeveloped, but he reacted to her touch, which was more than she could have hoped for. And he was hers, and she was his.

And when she was inevitably brought back to her room, she finally started to wonder. Surprisingly, her first thoughts went to Bonnie. She wondered if the dog was alright, if anything had happened to her or if she’d been able to find her way back home. Then she wondered where Nick had gone after he’d brought her to the hospital. Her mother assured her that he’d been questioned by police right after they’d arrived and that they would be in here to question her when she’d be a bit better. Leighanne felt the uneasiness in her stomach grow. Mom said that they’d want to know where he’d go, which meant that they hadn’t found him yet. And considering the extensive damage that he had not only put her through, but himself as well, she didn’t hold much hope.

And when they did come a day later, she told them everything she knew. She told them about the medication he’d been supposed to take. She told them that he hadn’t been himself for weeks. She told them that she should have had him hospitalized the moment he’d started showing signs of psychosis. She told them that it wasn’t his fault. She told them that they needed to find him very soon, because she was afraid of what he was going to do in this state.

 Their faces looked grim when she finished. The fat one cautiously told her that if what she said was true, than it would be unlikely to find him alive after five days. And Leighanne nodded slowly, realization not yet dawning on her completely.

And then his parents showed up, and they looked absolutely devastated. His father barely said a word and his mother seemed to exist in a permanent state of disbelief. Because surely, this wasn’t the way they’d raised him to be. They’d raised him a good man, a caring, loving individual that valued family above anything else and would sooner die for them than hurt them. And Leighanne nodded silently, her own tears overflowing as his mother broke down on her bed. It wasn’t their fault, not even a little.

But she couldn’t say anything.

And when Nick came in with Doctor Phillips, Leighanne let go of the rage she didn’t know was inside her. Because how could the psychiatrist not see that there was something seriously wrong with Brian? Why hadn’t she put a stop to it while she still could? The only thing she ever seemed to do was prescribe more medication, which in turn, Brian would refuse to take, so what was the damn use?

Mellory had listened to her tirade calmly and proceeded to tell her that this was a most tragic situation, but that there wasn’t really that much that she could have done to stop it. And Leighanne knew she was right, but refused to believe it. Because if it wasn’t the psychiatrist’s fault, then whose was it? And Phillips had leaned closer, demanding her to tell her everything. Because this severe kind of psychosis was a major relapse and Leighanne realized that Brian never said anything, not even to his own doctor.

And at the end, Mellory only said one word, “Thomas.”

Leighanne nodded, resigned. “Yeah.”

“It’s eating him alive.”

“You knew about that?”

“He told me he saw Thomas Fenn, a hallucination, clearly, which is why I stepped over to antipsychosis medication in the first place. I never realized it had gotten this severe. He told me Thomas never said anything out of the ordinary. I assumed it was harmless for the time being. It would have stayed harmless if he hadn’t had such a severe allergic reaction to the initial medication and we wouldn’t have had to switch over to the other one. The alternative works, but the dose is quite high, which, you’ve realized, he wasn’t taking.”

“He said they made him feel weird, like he wasn’t himself when he took them.”

“So eventually, he stopped taking them altogether.”

Leighanne nodded, silent tears streaming down her face. “Do you think Thomas-”

“Yes, yes I do,” Doctor Phillips sighed sadly.

Leighanne felt her insides crumbling to dust at the thought of Thomas tormenting Brian to the point where he’d pick up a knife to- “If I hadn’t walked in on him, would he have-”

“It’s- it’s not unlikely.”

Nick, who had been following the conversation quietly, but intently up to this point, let out a smothered sound. “He wouldn’t,” he stated stubbornly.

“Not in a normal state, no,” Mellory admitted quietly, “But some cases of PTSD get more and more severe with time, and Brian lost control somewhere halfway.”

“I shoulda done something,” Nick squeezed out. “We shoulda brought him back to the hospital first thing.”

“It’s too late for should haves, I’m afraid,” Phillips’ smile was sympathetic. “If they find him alive, that’s probably where he’ll end up.”

“Will you still work with him?” Leighanne tried to ignore the _if_ in the psychiatrist sentence. “Does he still have a chance?”

“Let’s hope so.”


	24. A Patient Reunion

Officer Dalton stared dismissively through the window at the motionless figure on the bed. It was clear that the forest had not done the man much good. His hair was caked with dirt and mud and the various deep, painful looking cuts on his body left little up to the imagination. Although Dalton was aware that those weren’t the forest’s doing, but his own. He’d had the whole story printed in his mind, and when he had so much as glimpsed at the guy on the bed, he’d known it was the man they were looking for.

 _How the mighty have fallen,_ Dalton thought in dismay.

It had only been little over a year since the initial case made headlines all over the country. And Dalton had stood by, watching closely, longingly. It would have been career defining to be able to solve such a huge case, but alas, it wasn’t his department. But, in all honesty, he believed that the detectives that did work the case, did a fairly poor job of it. It was more by the grace of luck that the Backstreet Boy had gotten found than any real hard police work going on, that was for damn sure. In the end, the coordinates were practically thrown into their laps and still they got all the credit for it. He’d even heard that Crane and Morson made captain after that.

Ridiculous.

And now this was the outcome, it seemed. No happy ending after all, just a pathetic, wounded mess that lay strapped down in a hospital bed once again.

Peter Dalton pitied the poor guy.

Just like he expected, it wasn’t long before his partner John Conkin made it through security to stand next to him. “We sure this is the guy?” he grumbled, the little grey hair that he still had standing at every which direction, like always.

Peter nodded slowly, “The hiker family that found him thought they’d stumbled upon a dead body at first. I can imagine they were quite shocked when he suddenly started moving.”

Conkin scoffed, “Been able to get anything out of him?”

Peter shook his head and sighed, “He was pretty hypothermic when they brought him in, been out of it ever since.”

“What about the family that found him? What were they doing in the middle of the woods?”

Peter looked sideways at the older man, a little annoyed. “You read the file, right? They were hikers, they found a dog, dog led them to Littrell.”

“Where’s the dog now?”

“Why? You wanna interrogate it?”

Conkin rolled his eyes and Peter moved his gaze back to the window. They hadn’t been able to get much out of the hospital staff either, other than the confirmation that the wounds on the man’s body were definitely self-inflicted, like the wife had mentioned. It was a sad story, really, decided Dalton.

“Move,” a low, but very audible grunt came from the back of the hallway and Peter turned to see a tall, dark-haired man march towards them with alarming speed.

“Sir, you cannot go in there-”

The man’s green eyes narrowed dangerously as he swirled around and gave Peter a murderous look. Normally, the young officer would have arrested somebody on the spot for looking at him like that, but this time, he was taken aback by the intensity in the man’s eyes. “I’m here to see my cousin, if y’all don’t like it, y’all can go to hell.”

Without another word, he shoved past and entered the room. Peter hurried to follow him. The room was pretty dark and Peter decided it would probably be better if he stayed in the back. The man that had identified himself as the cousin paced around for a bit, combing his hands through his hair to try and compose himself. “Goddamnit, Brian,” he said, the emotion evident in his voice. The other man didn’t move, sedated heavily from the moment the staff heard about what he’d done. They thought he was dangerous, and Peter didn’t doubt that.

Still, he pitied the guy.

The tall man didn’t speak for a few moments, just looking, sighing, and biting back tears. Peter stepped forward to intervene, before the man started talking. “I know what y’all must be thinking. How could somebody do that to his own family? But it wasn’t him, alright? I’ve known him almost all my life. It’s not him. I mean, technically it was him, but it wasn’t, you know?”

Peter cleared his throat, “Yeah.”

The man turned around, tears brimming in his eyes, “They should have never let him watch those videos. I told them not to. He was fine… you know… not remembering.”

“We should find a place to sit and talk,” Peter suggested.

The man nodded, looking back at his cousin while he wiped his eyes, “Yeah. Yeah. I’m Kevin.”

Peter nodded, “I know.”

\----------------------------

The cage was loud and wet and cold and Bonnie wanted nothing to do with it. She shrunk back whenever she heard the loud barks from the dogs around her, which she couldn’t see, but their sounds and smells were overwhelming. And she was all alone.

She wasn’t supposed to be here.

She’d tried to make that clear when the woman who’d taken her had brought her here. She needed to be with Brian. He was in bad shape and he needed his dog. But the humans, of course, never understood. She’d tried to escape when they’d put her on the table, but the man dressed in the white coat had just grabbed her by her neck to hold her steady and she’d whined and barked and even growled, but he wouldn’t budge. He’d poked and prodded her, mumbled things to his young assistant and then finally released her. She’d flailed at him, baring her teeth, but before she could do anything, she’d been dragged off of the table and pulled through the hallway right into this hell hole. Wide eyed she’d stumbled through the narrow path, along the cages. A lot of dogs were locked up here. Some had barked at her, their eyes wild and panicked and some had stayed hidden in the back of their cages, scared and withdrawn.

And now Bonnie was in here too, and it smelled of urine and saliva and fear and she had no idea what she was doing here. And when, at nighttime, an old man came to her with a handful of food, she’d stared up at him, hopefully and he’d knelt down, touching her head. “Poor thing,” he mumbled. “I bet you have quite the pedigree. You shouldn’t be in here.”

She’d whined softly, trying to convince him to let her out, but he just got up and moved on. She started barking, angry now, but he didn’t come back. She cringed when she heard the other dogs picking up her bark and the whole place was flooded with sound again. Bonnie whined, shrinking back into her cage.

By morning time, the dogs got out into the yard. It was small, much and much smaller than Brian’s and Bonnie was unsure about the dogs insisting on smelling her from top to bottom. Especially her bottom. Some were friendly enough, but some were rough and persistent and those got an earful of her angry snarls to leave her alone. They listened fairly well, although there was one large St. Bernard who just didn’t seem to get the message. She had to bite at him several times before he backed off.

She remembered how much fun she’d had with AJ’s bulldogs and it made her feel even more alone now that she was surrounded by countless of dogs she didn’t know. None of them seemed interested in play, all of them were angry and riled up. She wondered how long they had been in here. How long would she be in here?

By the next day, Bonnie had fallen into a routine of barking whenever somebody walked by, desperately trying to catch their attention and convincing them to take her away. Nobody ever did. The rest of the time she stayed hidden in her cage, not interested in the dry dog food they supplied twice a day.

After three days of hell, Bonnie caught a familiar scent. She got up tentatively, her tail wagging slowly as the smell became stronger.

Nick looked extremely tired and disheveled from the last time she’d seen him, but she couldn’t be happier to see him now. She yelped, howled and barked in anticipation as he came closer. He gave her a sad smile, kneeling down. “I’m sorry Bonnie,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all this.”

To much of her delight, Nick opened the cage and Bonnie jumped up at him, which she wasn’t supposed to do, she knew, but she couldn’t stop it. “Alright, alright, Bon,” Nick murmured, “It’s alright now.”

Nick took her to his house, which was spacious and rather empty compared to the stuffed home Bonnie was used to. But anything was better than going back to the shelter again, so Bonnie decided to behave like a good dog. But still, she couldn’t help but dream of her home. Of her life. And she wondered if she’d ever see it again.

AJ came a few days later, but he wasn’t the happy, laughing AJ that always had pieces of bacon on him that Bonnie remembered. This AJ was sad and smelled of the stuff Brian had hidden away in the cupboards, which he used to drink a lot in the weeks before everything had gone insane. The smell made Bonnie angry, to be perfectly honest. And even though some bits of AJ still smelled like AJ, she tried to stay away from him as much as possible.

And then on one day, Nick opened the front door and called her over. He seemed tense and Bonnie was unsure about what he wanted from her. He opened the door to his car and gestured for her to get inside. She stepped back into the house. “No no, Bonnie,” Nick shook his head impatiently, waving towards the passenger seat once again, “You’re gonna love it.”

After a bit of prodding and tugging, Bonnie got into the front seat, panting nervously. What if Nick was going to take her back to the shelter? She definitely never wanted to go back there again. She looked at Nick questioningly, but Nick just stared at the road and drove, not saying anything.

He ended up parking in front of a large building and Bonnie cocked her head once she got out, wondering what they were doing here? Nick took a deep breath before taking her leash and going inside. Bonnie sniffed the floor anxiously as Nick walked up to front desk.

“No dogs, sir,” The woman said in a monotonous tone.

Nick’s hand tightened around the leash and he sighed, “Maria, we’ve gone over this already. Remember me?”

“I remember you,” the woman said in the same tone.

“Right. Now, doctor Bordeau thinks it would be a good thing for her to see Bonnie.”

“Bonnie is the dog?” the woman asked.

“Yes, like I’ve told you already.”

“I didn’t know Bonnie was a dog.”

Nick rolled his eyes and shook his head before tugging on the leash, “Come on Bonnie.”

They walked past the front desk, the woman staring at them as they went towards the elevators. Bonnie had been on lots of elevators before, but this one had a very unpleasant smell. In fact, the further they went into the building the more it smelled and looked a suspicious lot like the office with the man in the white coat that had grabbed Bonnie by the neck and poked and prodded her. She didn’t like it one bit. Nick’s foot was tapping nervously along with the music in the elevator and he had shortened the leash once again.

“Leighanne’s gonna be happy to see you,” he mumbled.

Bonnie’s head shot up, the smell of the elevator entirely forgotten. Did he just say…? Panting she tugged on the leash, frantically turning in circles around Nick’s legs. She smelled her as soon as they got off the elevator and broke free of the leash in a matter of seconds. She raced through the hallway, a few women dressed in white yelping in shock as she stormed past them. She skidded to a halt and turned into the room, barking in relief and joy.

Leighanne’s face lit up immediately when she saw her. Bonnie jumped onto the bed and started licking her hands. She was skinny now, the big belly completely gone and she was a lot paler than Bonnie remembered. The sobs invaded her laugh as Bonnie started crying in long yelps. “It’s okay Bonnie,” she said, wrapping her arms around her, “It’s all over now, it’s okay.”

Nick came into the room panting. “I’m sorry. She was so excited, I couldn’t hold her.”

Leighanne smiled, the tears streaming freely over her cheeks, “I could tell.”

“She’s been really down lately,” Nick muttered.

Leighanne nodded slowly, her hands tightening in Bonnie’s fur like Brian’s used to do whenever he got tense. Bonnie wondered when they were going to see him next. “I’m getting out tomorrow,” Leighanne whispered.

Nick bit his lip, turning his gaze to the floor, “I heard. Where you gonna stay?”

“At my parents. It just… it feels really weird leaving without him, you know?”

Nick nodded, “He’s gonna be here for quite a while longer.”

“He’s still so small,” Leighanne sniffled and Bonnie laid down her head on her arm, “I just don’t want him to feel alone, you know?”

“I’ll ask the nurse if we can go and visit him.”

“What about Bonnie?”

“She can come too.”

They went to another room, another elevator. All the while Leighanne sat in the wheelchair, not saying a word. Bonnie was a good dog, keeping pace right next to her while Leighanne laid her hand on her head every once in a while. When they got down two floors, they went into another room. Nick pushed Leighanne towards a big box and Leighanne peered inside with tears in her eyes. Bonnie looked at Nick, who nodded at her before she jumped up to look. Inside the glass box was the tiniest baby Bonnie had ever seen. Granted, she hadn’t seen many babies in her life, but this one was a lot smaller than the ones she had seen. Its tiny arms flailed around and its head moved from side to side. Bonnie cocked her head, completely still as she observed the small human being.

“He’s beautiful, isn’t he, Bonnie?” Leighanne whispered next to her. Bonnie didn’t react, totally mesmerized by the tiny human in the glass box. Bonnie wanted to smell it, but when she moved forward, Nick pulled her back.

“Can’t get in there, Bonnie, that’s not fit for dogs.”

The tiny human reached up and waved its hands about in the air, its chest moving up and down rapidly while the tube in its small mouth puffed air into it. Bonnie looked at Leighanne, who gave her a sad smile. “You’re a good dog, Bonnie.”

“You want to take her home with you tomorrow?” Nick asked softly.

“I think I’d like that, yeah.” Leighanne wiped her eyes carefully, “Although my mom isn’t too fond of dogs.”

“She’ll have to adjust then,” Nick muttered.

Leighanne nodded, “Thank you.”

Nick looked at the ground again, “You know, it’s the least I can do.”

Leighanne sighed heavily, “Again, it’s not your fault, Nickolas.”

“You know how I think about it,” Nick mumbled back.

“And you know how I do,” Leighanne answered, grabbing his hand. “You had no idea this was gonna happen.”

“I should have never showed them to him.”

“No. But he would have snapped one way or another. Sooner or later. It was inevitable, that’s what his doctor said.”

“You’re handling this exceptionally well,” Nick said quietly.

“I have to,” Leighanne replied, looking back at the glass box, “For him.”

“Are you gonna go see him?” Nick asked.

“Every single day,” Leighanne said, not moving her gaze.

“I meant Brian.”

Leighanne turned her eyes back to Nick’s slowly, biting her lip. “I don’t know. Have you?”

Nick shook his head. “They’re still keeping him sedated, so there’s no point.”

Bonnie whined as Leighanne’s face turned to grief, “It’s not right.”

“No,” Nick said, “No.”


	25. A Broken Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I destroyed everything

_He picked up the knife, its shining and clean blade ready to be used. He turned it in the soft light that shone from the cabin’s window, a wicked grin spreading across his face as he listened to the muffled cries coming from the table. He stared at the dagger a little longer, his thin, long fingers testing its sharpness. He hissed softly, admiringly as a small cut appeared on his finger instantly. Then he turned around slowly, still grinning as his blue eyes searched out those of the distressed woman on the table. Her long, blond hair was tangled up in knots and her face was pale and dirty. She looked nothing like the beauty she had been before._

Brian awoke alone, in darkness with not a clue where he was. He lay still, breathing and realized for the first time that he was completely on his own. Nobody was there. Not his wife, not Nick, not even Bonnie.

And no Thomas.

He swallowed thickly, not having the strength to move. The darkness was suffocating, closing in on him and enveloping him whole. Everything hurt, everything was silent.

He was alone.

He was not quite sure at what point the whispers started. Unintelligible hushed voices floating in and out of earshot. No one. No one was there. Brian squeezed his eyes closed, slowly trying to get his mind back together. What’s the last thing he remembered?

“Bonnie,” he whispered.

Bonnie had been there. Bonnie had stayed with him. Where was she?

“Bonnie,” he said again, a bit louder, hearing his own voice echoing in his head. Every single sound left stabs of agony behind his eyes and he recognized it as the pain he sometimes got after a seizure.

That must have been it.

It made sense. Normally, Thomas wouldn’t leave unless he’d had a seizure. He’d be rid of Thomas for a few hours then. And it was awfully quiet right now.

“That’s a lie.”

Brian whimpered, trying to drown out the whisper that he recognized all too well. Grabbing his head, he rolled up in a ball, not listening to Thomas’ voice. It was all his fault. Wherever he was now, whatever had happened to him; it was all Thomas’ fault.

“Just _think,_ Brian,” Thomas’ voice was as loud as anything now, but Brian couldn’t see him. “If you really _think_ about it, you’d know.”

“Know what?” Brian moaned, his head feeling like it was going to split in half.

“The truth. You know it’s all a lie. You _know_ it, you just deny it.”

“Shut up,” Brian whimpered pathetically. Part of him wanted to get up and run again, another part just wanted it all to stop forever.

“For fuck’s sake, _think!_ ” Thomas roared, “Why is it so dark? And what the fuck is that smell?”

Brian frowned, trying to open his eyes, but realizing it didn’t make a difference anyway. And faintly he smelled the disgusting smell that he’d hoped to have forgotten.

“No,” he whimpered, every sense and shreds of sanity inside him shattering.

“He would have _never_ let you go,” Thomas whispered.

“No,” Brian moaned again. There was a distinct sound of water dropping on the floor.

“Finally,” Thomas mumbled, stepping out of the shadows now. He was shorter than Brian remembered, his skin pale, almost grey. Brian felt his heart shatter, watching the bullet holes appear slowly in the young man’s back and abdomen.

“You died,” Brian whispered breathlessly.

“And still I’m here. I’m the part of you that always knew the truth, the part that has been here the whole time. I’ve never left, and neither have you. Not really, anyway.”

“I was out,” Brian whispered, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

“It’s a lie you-”

“I WAS OUT!” Brian screamed, his voice instantly breaking as he gasped for breath. The sound echoed off the basement’s walls, and bounced right back at him. Sobbing, he rammed his fists against the wall repeatedly, not feeling the pain until his hands began to bleed.

“Stop that!” Thomas grabbed his wrists.

“No! I was out! They got me out!”

“Who? Nick? Nick died! You know that!”

“No, he’s alive. He and AJ got me out. And the police. They buried you. I went to your grave. I spoke to your parents.”

“I’m still here Brian,” Thomas said, a lot softer now, tears in his voice. “Nobody ever found us.”

And then he saw it. Just a few feet away from the bottom of the stairs, a filthy, faded dark stain on the stone ground underneath him. Thomas lay in the exact same spot as Brian remembered. Not breathing, not moving, lifeless. Brian’s stomach turned and he gagged, the sour bile rising quickly up his throat. “No no no no no no,” he pleaded.

“It’s okay,” Thomas was just a voice now. “You were lost for a while, but you came back.”

“I was out,” Brian repeated, whimpering.

Thomas sighed, “You made up a fantasy, Brian. It wasn’t real. It was comforting, and nice. I mean, a loving wife, a baby on the way. Understanding friends. And then Nick was suddenly alive? Something must have clicked right then, but sadly, it didn’t. And you kept living happily in that lie, because wasn’t it the best lie you’ve ever believed? Oh, the dog was definitely my favourite.”

“But it wasn’t perfect,” Brian said softly.

“No, no it wasn’t. Because I was there. I was the real part of you. I knew the truth. In the beginning, you pushed me away, you ignored every little hint I gave you. But then-”

“The seizures,” Brian mumbled, staring into the darkness, unseeing.

“I became stronger with each one. You began to see the cracks in that reality of yours. Do you remember what you saw during those seizures?”

“The basement,” Brian answered, mesmerized.

“Those were the only real thing. The only real thing, Brian. But you kept denying it. You kept denying those horrible dreams of yours. You kept denying that you remembered anything. I had to painstakingly drag you back into reality, because you got too caught up in a dream. But then, you did the unthinkable. That was you. Not me. I couldn’t have imagined it. And then your fantasy just shattered and you came back.”

“Leigh,” Brian breathed, the beautiful blond image of a woman appearing behind his eyes. As quick as it came, it went away.

“You needed her. Until you didn’t anymore.”

“How long?” Brian croaked.

“I don’t know… we don’t know,” Thomas voice was calm; it sounded nothing like Thomas. Brian heard his own voice echoing in the silence. “I’m you, and you’re me,” it said. “This is what we’ve become. We’re still here. We’re alive.”

Brian felt the cold, stained ground under his fingers, heard the water endlessly dripping from that one crack in the wall. How long had it been? For him, it had been over a year since he got out. But how long were dreams compared to reality? And what had happened since? Were there still monsters upstairs? How had he survived? “I don’t understand,” he whispered, lost.

He tried remembering. He could almost feel the rain on his face from that day he and Bonnie had been caught in a rainstorm. He could see the look of pure happiness on Leighanne’s face as he took her in his arms and sang to her when he’d learned she was pregnant. They’d danced in the living room and she’d cooked their favourite meal. They’d brainstormed over babynames and made a thousand plans for the newborn’s room.

How could that be a lie?

He flinched as he remembered the knife. The look of pure shock and disbelief on his wife’s face as it entered her stomach. He remembered Bonnie’s frightful bark as he tugged on her leash and dragged her out of the door with him.

He’d destroyed his dream until it faded from existence, and now he was back where he’d always been.

And he laid down.

And he watched the shadows on the wall.


	26. A New Insight

**Backstreet Laying Low**

_The Backstreet Boys’ last performance dates back to October 2001. In an exclusive interview with Roller Stone for the first time since the horrific kidnapping later that year, members Howie Dorough and AJ McLean lament the fact that things have changed drastically for the band. Due to understandable circumstances, the quintet had to cancel the entire last leg of their Black and Blue tour and their future remains uncertain._

_“We haven’t officially broken up,” ensures Howie Dorough thoroughly, “the situation isn’t ideal at the moment for us to be doing our job the best we can. The label is putting out an unreleased song album hopefully later this year, which I, Kevin and AJ will do some promo for, and we have been in the studio to record some new stuff, but we’ve had to put the recording process on hold due to circumstances.”_

_With circumstances, Dorough targets the unfortunate outcome of the kidnapping last year. Although both Nick Carter and Brian Littrell survived the ordeal, neither came out of it unscathed. “You know, Nick has informed us that he would like to take a break from work, and we respect that decision wholeheartedly,” AJ McLean says, “He’s doing exceptionally well, considering what he’s been through, but we’d like to give him all the time he needs to deal with the aftermath.”_

_As for Littrell, Dorough and Mclean are less positive. “His experience is entirely different from Nick’s, so it’s hard to draw comparisons there,” Dorough insists. His words make sense, as the well-known story is clear. After three days, Nick Carter escaped his imprisonment, while Littrell remained captive for over three months. Both AJ McLean and Howie Dorough are reluctant when it comes to giving out specific details about the time their band member spent captured. “He’s not talking about it, and neither should he have to,” McLean emphasizes, “It was a horrific period for all of us, but of course, most of all for Brian himself.”_

_On the question whether it is true that their friend was rescued just in time, McLean nods in confirmation, “Although I’m still pretty glad that Nick and I were there when it happened,” he says, “It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done in my life, cause at that point, we were certain he wouldn’t be alive, I’m just so thankful that we were wrong.”_

_After the rescue, Littrell was hospitalized for six months, of which he spent four months in a psychiatric hospital. “He had a lot of stuff to work through,” Dorough says quietly, “It was just a very confusing time for him; all we could do was show him our support every step of the way. You know, he had made tremendous progress by the time he got to leave the hospital. We’ve all been so proud of him.”_

_With these words, the mood changes noticeably. Both Dorough and McLean regret to inform that Brian has recently been readmitted to the psychiatric hospital. “He’d been diagnosed with PTSD last year, which has gotten progressively worse during the last few months. He also sustained some brain damage during the time he was kidnapped, which can cause some pretty severe seizures, especially under stressful circumstances. He’d been doing really well for a long time, but it got to a point where he couldn’t handle it anymore.”_

_Dorough refuses to give any details involving the exact situation after which Littrell was forced to return to psychiatric care, “You know, he’s got a lot of stuff to work on. He’s just become a father, he wants to be the best he can be, and with that, he needs help.”_

_McLean ensures that the fanbase has remained as loyal as ever, “They’re fiercely protective over Nick and Brian, that’s for sure,” he says with a smile, “We’ve gotten so many cards and e-mails and letters that were all full of support and love, it’s wonderful. We’d like to thank every single one of you who’s shown support, we love you.”_

“This whole piece is a massive understatement,” Nick grumbled, throwing the magazine across the table, back at AJ.

“Well, we had to come up with something, better to stay as close to the truth as possible,” AJ shrugged.

“ _He wants to be the best he can be?_ When’s he ever said that?”

“Nick…”

“You could have just answered with ‘well, it’s all gone to shit,’ and be done with it,” Nick drawled.

“You know it doesn’t work like that.”

“Whatever.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Nick answered, running a hand down his face, “Why is everyone always asking me that?”

“You seem a little… angry, lately,” AJ mumbled.

“That’s cause I am.”

Soft footsteps came down the stairs and both men looked up from the coffee table. A young girl was standing in the doorway, scarcely older than 18, and scarcely clothed at that. The house around them was a mess, bottles of tequila and wodka and bags of junk food lying everywhere and Nick wasn’t entirely sure what that stain on the carpet actually was. “Will you call me tomorrow?” the girl asked. Andrea-Anna-Alexa-something, Nick didn’t remember.

“Sure,” he mumbled.

Andrea-Anna-Alexa-something smiled softly and blew him a kiss before disappearing into the kitchen.

“Not too bad,” AJ whispered with a smirk.

“Shut up,” Nick muttered back.

“She’s way too young for you though.”

“Dude, it was my birthday yesterday, alright? I cannot _not_ get laid on my birthday.”

“And then you decided little Alice in Wonderland over there was the best candidate.”

“I dunno,” Nick shrugged. “It was a good party though. Loads of tequila. Who knows how many girls-”

“Alright, alright, I get it. You’re disgusting.”

“You would have done the exact same thing.”

“Everyone _knows_ I’m disgusting, that’s the difference between us, Carter.”

Nick smiled at that. It _had_ been a good party. He’d needed that. Although he’d never tell AJ about the nights he spent at the club, about the nights he didn’t get any sleep whatsoever. About the nights he’d try out speed, just to try it out. Last night’s party had been mild and tame in comparison to some of the parties he’d been to recently.

“Hear anything from Howie lately?” Nick asked, changing the subject quickly.

AJ stared at him for a moment. They both knew that Howie wasn’t as sympathetic to what had happened than they were and it had been cause for a lot of conflict in the group. Nick already felt bad for how AJ, Kevin and Howie had to put up with each other during the promo for the new stuff. “I don’t know. Don’t think he’d come to me after last time.”

“It’s nice what he said in the article though,” Nick said calmly.

“I was there, he was as cold as an icecube on the North Pole,” AJ grumbled.

“What about Kev?”

“He’s a lot easier to talk to, that’s for sure,” AJ replied, leaning back against the couch, “Did he tell you he went to see Brian Wednesday?”

Nick nodded slowly, “Yeah, yeah he did.”

“Well, he told me it’s not going great. It’s not like last time, he says. He’s pretty calm and all, but he’s not acknowledging anything or anybody.”

“He’s just totally somewhere else,” Nick nodded, staring at a blank space on the wall.

AJ looked at him for a moment, “Yeah, something like that. He’s having a lot of seizures too, and they’re apparently getting worse.”

“What about Leighanne? She been there?” Nick already knew the answer.

AJ shook his head, “No. Although I think she has her hands full pretty much at home, with the premature baby and all that. Maybe it’s better she stayed away for a bit longer.”

Nick looked at him fiercely, “She doesn’t blame him. She made sure all the charges were dropped against him. If anyone can get through to him, it’s her.”

“Some say that about you as well,” AJ said, tilting his head.

“Who says that?” Nick frowned.

“You knew how to reach him last time,” AJ supplied.

“That was different. And I had no idea what I was doing,” Nick sighed.

“Still, you shouldn’t sell yourself so short,” AJ said, “You saved Leighanne’s life, and Baylee’s too, by extension. Brian needs to know that.”

“So? Now I’m some sort of life-saver?” Nick exclaimed, his voice rising in pitch, “I was just a singer, AJ. We all were just singers! Not victims of abuse, not attempted murderers, not heroes, just…singers. When did we become anything but singers? I just want to go back to how it was before.”

               AJ remained silent for a moment, “Before didn’t work,” he said quietly. When Nick frowned at him, he continued “We were headed for a break-up, that’s all I’m certain of. You know, how everybody was always fighting with each other? Everyone was tired of the band, of the music, of everything. I mean, I didn’t help matters either with going to rehab, that’s for sure. And I’m not saying that y’all getting kidnapped was a good thing that needed to happen, but it sure got our heads out of our asses. We may not ever be _just_ singers again, but at least we’ve grown up.”

               Nick raised his eyebrows, “Wow. Therapy really worked out for you, didn’t it?”

AJ nodded fervently, “Definitely. And nothing sets your priorities straight quite as much as a tragedy.”


	27. A New Routine

Life had gotten back some of its routine, and Bonnie was glad for that. Although this new routine in this new home was more hectic than anything she’d been used to. And she was never on work anymore, which saddened her. The house was usually swarming with people swooning over the baby, with loud voices that ignored Bonnie altogether. Leighanne was too busy too to pay Bonnie any mind and all the while the baby cried and cried.

Bonnie regarded the baby after the house had fallen silent. It made small noises, throwing its arms up in the air and catching its feet in its mouth. Bonnie wasn’t sure about the purpose of human babies shoving their feet in their mouths, but baby Baylee was doing it quite a lot, so it must be useful. Bonnie kept a close watch on baby Baylee at all times, she found, it was her new job. Baby Baylee needed a lot of watching too, as it always seemed to get itself into trouble. One time, it almost rolled off of the table while Leighanne was changing its diaper and Bonnie had to bark to keep baby Baylee from falling to the ground. Leighanne had smiled afterwards, and had petted Bonnie’s head.

There was another woman in the house as well, and Leighanne called her ‘Mom.’ It wasn’t the same woman that Brian called ‘Mom,’ but Bonnie figured more people could be called Mom if they wanted to. Bonnie could tell that this Mom didn’t really like dogs very much. She made sure to stay away from both Bonnie and Tyke and only fed them if there was no one else around to do it.

There was also a male in the house, who Leighanne called ‘Jef’ and he wasn’t home that often, but he liked to take Bonnie on walks and sometimes Tyke tagged along with them.  Sometimes Jef brought an old football, which was hard to fit into your mouth, but Bonnie had figured out a way to do it just right and when Jef threw the football across the field, Bonnie relished in sprinting after it and catching it in mid-air. She was becoming very good at it and could feel how happy it made Jef when she did well. And Bonnie was relieved, because she’d missed catching balls with Brian so much.

Still, Jef wasn’t Brian.

But although she missed him greatly, Bonnie found herself thinking of her owner less and less as time went by. She hadn’t seen him since that cold, wet night in the forest and for all she knew, she’d never see him again. It hurt quite a bit when she thought about that, but at least she’d found her way back home.

She could tell Leighanne missed her mate as well, even when she was busy with baby Baylee. She’d often smile sadly at Bonnie and Bonnie would be able to sense the sorrow the woman felt. And even though Bonnie was just a dog, she understood what made people so sad when they lost their mate. But other than the sad smiles Leighanne gave Bonnie every now and then, nobody ever mentioned Brian’s name in the house.

Until that morning.

It had been a slow, quiet morning up to that point, and Bonnie had been a little anxious that Jef had forgotten their walk, because it was already getting late and when he finally came in, Bonnie made sure to let him know that they were definitely going on a walk right now. But Jef totally ignored her. Indignant, Bonnie stood by as he went straight to Leighanne and talked to her softly. Bonnie had to tilt her head and get really close before she could hear anything.

“Phillips said on the phone that Brian’s having multiple seizures and that they’re not sure what’s causing them.”

To her credit, Leighanne stayed calm, even after Jef had mentioned Brian. Bonnie’s tail immediately sprang into action when she heard her last owner’s name. “It’s cause he’s sick, and they don’t understand that stuffing him full of antipsychotics and antidepressants isn’t going to fix him.” Leighanne sounded angry and bitter as she aimed for the trashcan and threw away a perfectly good piece of bread. So naturally, Bonnie went to investigate the trashcan.

“And would you please get Bonnie out of here, because she never listens anymore!” Leighanne suddenly turned towards her, her voice harsh and angry and Bonnie slunk back with a startled whine.

“Bonnie listens just fine,” Jef said as he grabbed Bonnie’s collar with a sigh.

“She only ever really listened to Brian,” Leighanne said, her voice much softer now. “What are we gonna do with her? It’s his dog, not mine.”

“Bonnie will be alright. She has a lot of fun when we play catch outside, and she has really taking a liking towards Baylee. Bonnie is moving on, Leighanne.”

Leighanne’s eyes narrowed as she regarded Bonnie, then she nodded, “I know… I’m sorry Bonnie,” she said, scratching behind Bonnie’s ears. Bonnie panted in appreciation, licking her hand. “What else did they say about the seizures?”

“Basically, they’re just out of ideas. He’s getting worse rapidly and if it continues, there could be permanent damage.”

“More damage than there already is,” Leighanne sighed. “Did she have anything other than bad news?”

“I’m sorry,” Jef said, carefully taking her arm, “This must be so hard.”

“I have to do it,” Leighanne whispered.

“We talked about this, Leigh,” Jef sighed, “Doctor Phillips doesn’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Well, you said yourself that she is out of better ideas.”

Jef smiled, enveloping her in a tight hug, “Are you sure?”

And then, before Bonnie knew it, they went out of the door, without taking her on a walk, without so much as a word of what was happening. Bonnie whined anxiously, as she waited by the door, annoyed by the constant noises Tyke and baby Baylee were making. They had no idea, completely oblivious, as always.


End file.
